Lady Doritos? Pens For Her? I’ve Got A Better Idea…

File this under “Things I Wish Someone With Technical Skills Would Invent.”

Last weekend The Husband and I were out shopping for some furniture. There was a particular store that we wanted to hit, but we couldn’t remember exactly where it was. So I whipped out my Smarter Than You phone and fired up Google Maps.

“Big Lots,” I said in the most demanding, authoritative tone I could muster. The phone may be smarter than me, but I’m still the boss and must assert dominance. The Smarter Than Me phone does not deserve the courtesy of complete sentences.

The phone complies, but not without some sass. “Head southeast,” it says.

“That’s not helpful,” I said. “That means nothing to me.”

The Husband was driving and didn’t seem bothered by the phone’s lack of helpfulness. He drove on, certain that he was headed on the correct course. Or maybe he was just determined to appear certain. Either way, he was driving. And I was still ticked at the phone.

“Turn right,” it says in the middle of the parking lot.

“What the hell kind of direction is that?” I said.

“It’s fine,” says The Husband, continuing to drive stoically and stubbornly toward who knows where.

“No, it’s not fine!” I shout. “How are we supposed to find this place with directions like that?”

The phone keeps shouting nonsense about southeast and right turns. I get increasingly agitated. The Husband keeps driving. Finally, as I am about to google “How to murder a cell phone” we pull into a parking space.

“Are we lost?” I asked. “I think we need to keep going.”

“No, we’re here,” he announced.

I looked over and sure enough, there was the Big Lots. Somehow with all of Google’s nonsense, we had arrived at our destination. This lead me to speculate that perhaps my husband was actually a robot designed by Google and that’s why he could understand this stuff.

As we walked toward the store, I noticed it was in the same shopping center as Kroger. “Now, if Google Maps had said ‘it’s by the Kroger,’ I would have had no trouble finding this place,” I lamented. The Husband shrugged. “I don’t know, I found it okay,” he said.

And then it hit me…

WE NEED GPS FOR WOMEN.

What is GPS for women, you ask? It’s directions that are actually useful. Turn east? Head north? Meaningless. Two doors down from Kroger? Now that’s helpful.

Here are some other features that would be useful:

It would remember all the things. I know a lot of people claim that women have excellent memories. There’s a lot of truth to this statement. This is why many men fear and tremble at the thought of Getting Into Trouble, because they know we remember everything and can therefore use it against them.

Here’s the thing though — we may remember All The Things, but our memories aren’t always detailed and exact. Think about a favorite movie. Do you remember what year it came out? The lead actor? The title of the movie? You might very well remember these things…or you might know your favorite movie as The One With The Guy Who Also Is In My Favorite TV Show (but his name escapes me). You know exactly why you love this movie. You can recite its dialogue in your sleep. It brings tears to your eyes every time you watch it. But there’s no way in hell you can remember that guy’s name, and that’s okay.

GPS for women understands this concept. You can tell it that you want to go to That Place With The Avocados On Sale For A Dollar, or to The Ice Cream Place I Went To A Few Years Ago And Really Liked Their Milkshakes, and it will know what you are talking about. No address? No clue what it’s called? No problem! GPS for Women has got you covered!

It would keep talking to you. One of my biggest gripes with current GPS is that it doesn’t talk much. So many times I’ve found myself driving down the road wondering if I’m on the right course. I know it says I have a couple miles to go before I turn, but that means nothing to me. Miles are measured by how many times I had to go around the stupid track in my awful junior high gym class. Until the roads are laid out like junior high track and field, I have no idea how to measure miles in actual distance. GPS for women would provide valued reassurance. “Keep going,” it would say. “You haven’t missed your turn yet. It’s coming up soon. You’ll know it’s time to turn when you see that adorable Victorian house on the corner.” And I would feel calm and collected and get to my destination, and everything would be fine

It would not interrupt my music unless it actually had something important to say. You’ve had this happen, I’m sure. The radio finally plays your favorite song. It NEVER plays your favorite song. Instead, it chooses to play this week’s top single ten million times. But you happened to catch a break and got to hear something other than that stupid overplayed song. You’re feeling it. You’re belting it out. You’re experiencing All The Feels. Then suddenly, it butts in to remind you to veer slight left. Except…you’re going straight. And there’s no possible way to veer left. You’re not sure that left even exists on this road. But there’s that jerk GPS, ruining the best moment of the best song, spouting off nonsense. And now your day is ruined.

Anyways, that’s my vision for GPS for women. Ladies, what do you think would be helpful? Tell me all about it in the comments. I’ll read them later. My song is on right now.