Going for the gold

Hi friends. I know, I know, it’s been a minute. Life has been crazy and I’ve been in survival mode. I’m really hoping to get back to writing soon.

Now that I’ve gotten the apologies out of the way, it’s time for y’all to hear what’s been on my mind. Apparently it’s time once again for the Olympics. Or maybe it was time a while ago. I vaguely recall that they were supposed to be last year. Between the pandemic and the sleep deprivation that comes from having a baby, my sense of time is all out of whack.

Anyhoo, Olympics are happening. I’ve never been one to watch, to be honest. I’ve always had crippling body image issues, so watching a bunch of super fit people compete to see who is The Most Super Fit just doesn’t sound like a good time. Yes, yes, I know the Olympics are about more than that. It’s the world coming together to celebrate sportsmanship and national pride and blah blah blah. If you find the Olympics inspiring, good for you. I’m not here to rain on your parade. What I am here to say, for any network executives out there who might be looking to reel me in, is that I might be more inclined to watch if I felt I could relate to the athletes. And I realized the other day that there is a sport I could excel in: diaper changes.

Little Man has reached the age where every diaper change is a wrestling match. It takes some serious skill to be able to out maneuver him. I think if you dressed us up in costumes, threw us in an arena, and put on some good background music it could be quite the entertaining spectacle. Picture it with me…

COMMENTATOR 1: Well, Bob, it’s been an exciting week.

COMMENTATOR 2: It sure has, Doug. The new set of games added this year has been thrilling to watch.

DOUG: I think my favorite has been the toddler dash. I don’t know what’s more impressive: how quickly those moms spring into action, or how fast those little kids can run when they’ve been asked what’s in their mouths.

BOB: It’s incredible how fast their little legs can move!

DOUG: I’ve been looking forward to today’s event for quite a while. Diaper changing. Should be interesting.

BOB: Our first competitor is stepping into the arena now. Representing Team USA, we have Amy Lister and The Little Man.

DOUG: I thought she was competing as a pairs team with her husband?

BOB: She went with him in the qualifying trials, but she was approved as a solo competitor which I understand will be a challenge for her. I’m eager to see how she does one on one. Word on the street is that the Little Man is quite the wrestler.

“Music of the Night” from Phantom of the Opera begins to play

DOUG: And she’s just set him down on the changing table…whoa! He is already on all fours.

BOB: This is going to be tough.

DOUG: Looks like she’s going in with a rattle to distract him. He’s grabbing the rattle and rolling onto his back.

BOB: OOF! There he goes with a back arch.

DOUG: Yet she still manages to get the pants off in a graceful one handed pull. That was an exquisite move!

BOB: Speaking of exquisite moves, there goes Little Man attempting a swan dive off the table.

DOUG: BAM! She blocked that effortlessly.

DOUG: Diaper’s coming off and…whew! It’s a blowout. Looks like those costumes are going to laundry as soon as they’re out of the arena.

BOB: And he’s mad about the thwarted swan dive. He’s started the Scream and Roll.

DOUG: Poop is going to get everywhere.

BOB: Not if she can … (crowd gasps and starts cheering) … SHE DID IT! She’s grabbed his ankles and is holding him still.

DOUG: Incredible strength on display here.

BOB: And now Little Man is…holy moly…he is arching his back and grabbing the wipes container!

DOUG: And she’s still cleaning the poop! How is she doing that?

BOB: Little man is transitioning into a different pose…what’s he up to now? HE IS STANDING ON HIS HEAD! She’s got his ankles and he’s STANDING ON HIS HEAD!

DOUG: I never should have doubted Amy’s abilities. This is remarkable work. I cannot believe the grace under pressure she’s displaying here.

BOB: It looks like she’s just about finished which is good because Little Man is melting down hard.

DOUG: The diaper is on! The clean diaper is on and she’s taking a bow.

BOB: Good show!

DOUG: Oh wait, wait, wait…it’s off. Little Man just ripped the diaper off.

ME: Oh ffff….

DOUG: This is not good, Bob. Amy might be facing disqualification here.

BOB: I think we’re going to need to review the tapes to make a ruling. If she got the diaper completely on, she finished the routine and that counts.

DOUG: Yes, but there’s also the issue of whether or not she dropped an F bomb?

BOB: I know that’s technically against the rules, but I can’t say I blame her after watching what she just endured.

DOUG: I think we’ll have to let the judges decide. If the routine was indeed complete, then the alleged profanity shouldn’t count against her official score. Though I’d still find it classless to say on international TV.

I think I deserve a medal, F bomb or not. I imagine if judges tried to take away my victory that a bunch of angry moms would swarm their booth and intimidate them into reversing their decision.

What do you think? Do you watch the Olympics? If not, would adding Mom and Baby sports entice you to watch? Let me know what you think in the comments. I’m going to go take a nap. Today’s diaper changes have wore me out.