Bono Makes My Baby Cry: A Parenting Story

Hello friends. It’s been a minute. As you can probably guess from the title, our baby has arrived. How am I enjoying being a parent, you ask? Tired. That’s what I would say to that. I’ve found that one word answer pretty much sums it all up. I am tired. There is nothing but tired. I only know tired.

Despite the tired, I’m trying to reactivate at least some of my brain cells. Writing usually helps with that. So I figured I’d hop online and tell y’all a story about my son, who shall henceforth be called Little Man.

The other day, Little Man was taking a long nap on my chest. I didn’t mind being trapped under him. Holding a sleeping baby is the absolute best. But I was worried that I might fall asleep while holding him, because in case I didn’t mention it before, I am hella tired. So I grabbed my phone and started listening to some music. A few songs into my eclectic playlist, U2 comes on.

And my little man wakes up from a sound sleep screaming bloody murder.

I try to calm him down to no avail. The screaming turns to crying, which then turns to shaking. Little Man is NOT feeling it.

“I’ll turn it off, kid! Sorry!” I said, frantically skipping to the next song.

I don’t remember what the next song was, but it calmed him down and he went right back to sleep. He stayed asleep until Echo and the Bunnymen came up. But for that band, he woke up smiling.

I’m not sure why he would have such a deep hatred for U2. I have been a fan since 1995 when eleven year old me listened to the Batman Forever soundtrack on repeat as I fantasized about Val Kilmer. But I can understand why other people wouldn’t like them. Perhaps Little Man was afraid that he might get a lecture on the environment or some other social justice cause. Maybe he heard bad things about Spiderman: Turn Off The Dark. It’s entirely possible that he is genetically predisposed to hate them. The Husband’s introduction to the band came via the infamous forced download incident of 2014. He was most displeased when his death metal playlist was interrupted by Songs of Innocence.

Speaking of innocence, I firmly believe that I have birthed a Perfect Angel Child who will never give me any trouble. I’ve been told this is wishful thinking. To that I say, quiet you. I need this fantasy to survive the sleep deprivation stage.

But in case I’m wrong about my child’s perfection, the thought did cross my mind…

I wonder if I could use his dislike of U2 to my advantage.

Picture it. I’ve got a sassy teenager on my hands who has just touched my last nerve. I could threaten to make him stand in the corner and listen to The Joshua Tree if he doesn’t lose his attitude.

Or if I really wanted to up the ante…

ME: Young man, you have ignored me and my request for you to clean your room for the last time.

LITTLE MAN: What are you gonna do? You already forced a download on my (insert whatever music listening device we’re using in the future). And I figured out how to get rid of it. You’ve got no moves left.

ME: Oh no?

*pulls out Futuristic Music Listening Device and plays “Hold Me Thrill Me Kiss Me Kill Me”*

LITTLE MAN: Dear God…is this the one with all the weird moaning sounds at the end?

ME: You’re damn right it is.

LITTLE MAN: Mom, please. I can’t take it! It’s so awkward!

ME: I KNOW! And you’re going to suffer through Bono’s awkward moaning, grunting noises ON REPEAT as I turn the volume up to eleven!

LITTLE MAN (sobbing): NOOOOOOOOOOOO! Make it stop! I’ll clean my room, I promise!

ME: And the kitchen?

LITTLE MAN: Yes, the kitchen too! Anything you want, Mom. Just please make it stop!

ME (cackles with parental victory as I crank the volume up)

Bono, should you ever happen to stumble upon this blog, I hope you don’t mind that I’ve considered using your singing as punishment for my child. For the record, I’m totally willing to work out an exchange of services. Perhaps your kids hate my writing and you can use my blog to torture them when you need to keep them in line. I’d be perfectly fine with that arrangement. Us parents gotta stick together you know.

Have any of y’all ever come up with creative disciplinary tactics for your kiddos? Tell me about them in the comments. Little Man won’t need them, because as previously mentioned he is The Perfect Child. But I’d like to keep them in mind for when I need to share wisdom with other parents. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to sleep. Good night all!