Tired of online fakery? I’ve got some ideas.

Last week’s post introduced you to the concept of English major rage. Specifically, I was mad about a particular social media habit of putting pictures with quotes even if they don’t make any sense. Well, I’m still riled up, so y’all are gonna hear more of my social media grievances. This time, though, I’m gonna try to be a little more constructive and offer what I think we can do about it.

I don’t know about y’all, but another social media phenomenon I can’t stand is when people make deliberately vague comments to stir up some drama.

We’ve all seen these kinds of posts. You’re scrolling through your news feed on Facebook and see that your friend Delia Drama (not her real name, but it certainly suits her) has posted something like “OMG I’m so over it.”

And then the Concerned Comments start rolling in. “Oh my goodness, are you okay?” says Susie Sweetheart. “Tell me what’s wrong.”

“I’m not gonna talk about it online,” snaps Delia Drama. “I’ll be okay if I can ever stop crying. People just suck sometimes.”

“OH MY GOODNESS!” Susie Sweetheart shouts in all caps. “What do you need? I can come over right now.”

Abby Acquaintance is much more chill — she hasn’t spoken to Delia Drama much since she met her at that party with the really hot guy who wound up getting smashed and barfing all over this other guy’s car while doing a stunning rendition of Bohemian Rhapsody (he puked while trying to belt out “Galileo”) — but she is still interested enough to bite. “Sorry. Hope you’re okay.”

Delia is somewhat pleased that Abby responded but was hoping for a bit more interest in her drama. So she sweetens the pot a little bit. “Yeah, I’ll be okay eventually. My real friends — and they know who they are — know what’s going on.” Because even though Delia hasn’t seen Abby in years and doesn’t really plan to, she still wants Abby to know that she isn’t a close enough friend to merit knowing What’s Really Going On.

Abby senses the dig and mostly doesn’t care, but is still a tiny bit irked at the obvious shade.

Tons more comments roll in with people offering thoughts and prayers, a shoulder to cry on, etc. Delia continues to insist she doesn’t want to talk about it, but then keeps throwing out tiny morsels of info to keep her audience hooked (“I just can’t believe this happened to me” “What did I do to deserve this?” “I’ll never be the same again.”)

Eventually you get the scoop from Bertha Blunt on what Delia was ranting about. “Oh that?” says Bertha. “She’s just cranky because she went to Starbucks and they discontinued the Smoked Avocado Quinoa Good Morning Go bagel with goat cheese spread and Pumpkin Spice latte-flavored organic orange juice, and they refused to make them for her. So she had to order something else.” And then you’re annoyed with yourself that you got so invested in something you knew would be so petty. Because while Delia Drama is a thirthysomething senior accounting executive in real life, she is an immature teenager in Facebook years.

So what’s the solution for people like Delia? Clearly she has a need to be heard. So I say let’s give her a platform. Facebook can offer to have regularly scheduled press conferences for Delia and others like her. She can step in front of a podium, cameras flashing, microphones at the ready, and announce to the world that she JUST CANNOT EVEN. That is all. No further questions. And she’ll put on her most standoff-ish of sunglasses, purse her lips, and act like she’s about to leave.

Then the room full of aggressive reporters will launch into action. “Ms. Drama, what can’t you even?” “Ms. Drama! Ms. Drama! This is the third time this week that you haven’t been able to even. Is there something you’re not telling us?” “Ms. Drama, initial reports indicate that the rate of people unable to even is steadily rising. What are your thoughts?”

At first Delia is thrilled by the attention. All eyes are on her. People are really interested in her inability to even. Life is good. She decides to reward the press by throwing out another morsel. “I can’t talk about it. It’s just TOO MUCH,” she says, offering a sigh and a mournful shake of the head. As you can imagine, the reporters EAT THIS UP.

“Ms. Drama! Ms. Drama!” they shout in frenzied unison. One of them eventually makes her way to the front of the pack. “Ms. Drama, an anonymous source called in a tip that your inability to even may be related to a less than satisfying breakfast order at Starbucks. Is this true?”

“Um…”

“Ms. Drama,” another reporter yells. “Our investigative team uncovered a dossier which seemed to indicate you have a longstanding history of grievances regarding ordering breakfast. Any comment on that?”

“A dossier? What?!” says Delia Drama. “How is there a dossier on me?”

“Ms. Drama, are you prepared to make any kind of statement regarding these accusations of breakfast drama?”

“Ms. Drama, do you hate people in the breakfast industry?”

“Ms. Drama, is lunch a more agreeable time for you? How about dinner?”

The cameras keep flashing, the live video feed keeps rolling, and the reporters keep shouting. Delia is feeling overwhelmed. “This press conference is over!” she says, making a hasty exit. Thankfully she is parked nearby.

The reporters follow, moving like a stampeding herd of confused gazelles with cameras. The shouting continues as she climbs into the car. “Ms. Drama, would you hate breakfast less if it were at a different time of day?” “Ms. Drama, we need to know!” “MS. DRAMA! MS. DRAMA!”

As Delia makes her escape, she vows to herself that she will never make another vague post on social media again.

Okay, I realize that is not at all realistic. We can’t actually have press conferences to reduce vaguebooking. But I can dream, right? Have any crazy stories about social media frustrations? Share them in the comments. I’ll check them out after my morning press conference. Someone screwed up my drive through order and THE WORLD NEEDS TO KNOW.