How To Win At Internet Arguing: A Medieval Proposal

It would seem I have a lot of social media frustration these days. This is my third post on the subject. I promise I’ll move on to other topics eventually. Gotta get it all out of my system, I guess. What is today’s topic, you ask? Perhaps the mother of all internet grievances: Online Arguing.

I swear there are people who have social media accounts for the sole purpose of picking fights. Sometimes it’s in the form of posting inflammatory things on their own pages. Other times it’s the form of commenting on other people’s posts. For example, let’s say a local news outlet posts an article about something really innocent such as an area Girl Scout troop delivering hand made quilts to a nursing home for the blind. You would think that no one could possibly have any qualms with such a thing. Well, you would be wrong, because everything is grounds for offense on the internet.

“So disgusting,” says Moonchild Hyacinth. “It really sets us women back into the 1950’s to have Girl Scouts engage in quilting. Way to perpetuate the stereotype of the cult of domesticity. If these girls really wanted to make a difference, they should have done a demonstration on STEM research or something. We’re in the 21st century now. Let’s act like it.”

“SERIOUSLY MOONCHILD?!” says Betsy “Memaw” Applepiesmith. “There is nothing wrong with sewing. I suppose you’d rather see them handing out condoms and kicking puppies, because that’s what all you America hating idiots want. I applaud Girl Scout Troop 19283748 for engaging in a wholesome activity with MORALS and GOODNESS. God bless America. I’ll pray for you.”

And let me tell you, “I’ll pray for you” are fighting words in internet arguments.

“How dare you tell Moonchild that you’ll pray for her! That is incredibly condescending. But of course I’d expect nothing less from a hillbilly idiot such as yourself Betsy,” says Ian Griffinson, PhD as he joins the fray. (Yes, his academic credentials are part of his Facebook name, because reasons.)

“Um, Ian, Moonchild is totally capable of sticking up for herself. You don’t need to intervene. That’s way uncool of you to assume she needs your protection,” says Moonchild’s friend Winter Sun Vespers. Her profile picture is of her and Moonchild at a protest of some sort, holding up a sign that says…I don’t know what it says. Something about mansplaining maybe? It’s hard to tell.

“I WILL NEVER SUPPORT THE GIRL SCOUTS BECAUSE THEY SUPPORT GUN CONTROL AND I WON’T HAVE ANYONE TAKE AWAY MY CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT TO HAVE GUNS DON’T TREAD ON ME” yells Harry “All Caps All The Time” Henrickson.

Some poor soul will make the rookie mistake of asking Harry what this story has to do with guns and ask him to cite his sources regarding Girl Scouts and gun control, and Harry will bury them in a never ending tirade of all caps comments that get further and further away from the original story (“YOU CAN’T TRUST THE MEDIA TO TELL THE TRUTH ABOUT ANYTHING ESPECIALLY WHERE TO FIND A DECENT JAR OF PICKLES AND IF YOU TELL ME I’M WRONG YOU’RE AN IDIOT.”) How did Harry suddenly go from gun control to a pickle-hating media conspiracy? Who knows. It’s all part of the mystery of the online argument.

A few people will actually comment on the article itself. Maybe one of the Girl Scout moms will post that she’s proud of her girls for making and sharing the quilts. And that will activate a whole new round of arguments. Betsy “Memaw” Applepiesmith will reiterate her appreciation for the Girl Scouts for not handing out condoms and kicking puppies, but question how moral and upstanding Girl Scout Mom is as a parent since she’s showing a little cleavage in her profile picture. And then Girl Scout Mom and Betsy will go at it.

Some people won’t comment at all. They’ll just tag other people so they can see all the madness. Someone will try to put in a plug for their business somehow (“Girl Scout Mom, have you tried shopping at OverpricedMuuMuus. com? They have a variety of fashionable, comfortable outfits for moms on the go to help them stay covered up. I’m an Independent Sales Harassment Consultant and would be happy to speak with you about how you can obtain financial freedom by joining our company.”) And then someone will start ripping on the Independent Sales Harassment Consultant for trying to make a sale. And then more people will jump on that sub-thread and start airing their grievances about these types of businesses.

NEVER ENDING ARGUMENTS, Y’ALL.

So what’s the solution, you ask? I’d like to propose that all the online arguers get together for a jousting match. But not a real one. I’m talking about those silly inflatable games that you see at carnivals and after prom events. Tell everyone they can only comment on future articles and posts if they agree to attend a jousting event. The majority of the angry people won’t show because they hide behind their keyboards. But there will probably be a few crazy enough to try it. So let’s say Harry and Independent Sales Harassment Consultant actually show up. They can grab their inflatable weapons and charge at each other shouting all sorts of internet nonsense and duel to their heart’s content.

“This one’s for ‘Murica!” yells Harry as he rides into battle on his mechanical bull. (Yes, they will joust atop mechanical bulls, because that would be awesome.)

“Check out OverpricedMuuMuus.com!”  yells the Independent Sales Harassment Consultant, who is clearly willing to try anything to make a sale.

Some of the less bold arguers will be on the sidelines, live tweeting this nonsense to all their friends.

Eventually they’ll wear themselves out and no longer have the energy to yell online.

Okay, I think I’ve got all my social media rage out of my system now. What do you think? Any internet habits that drive you crazy? Tell me about it in the comments. But please turn caps lock off first.