Making The Fine Print More Fun

You might have heard that writers sometimes have epiphanies at inconvenient times. The purpose of today’s blog post is to tell you that’s absolutely true. Recently I had such a moment. It came at 3 AM because my brain loves to torture me when I’m supposed to be sleeping.

And then it wasn’t even a particularly exciting epiphany.

WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! All male readers — the next part of this blog contains reference to a certain event befalling womankind approximately once a month. If you’re as afraid of Aunt Flo as I’ve heard you are, you may want to skip this part. I’ll let you know when it’s safe to come back.

Okay, ladies, I think it’s just us now. Anyways, so I was up at 3 AM suffering with The Cramps From Hell. So I went downstairs to take some Advil and raid my emergency stash of chocolate.

But then I remembered that I had taken a sleep aid — one that clearly was not doing its job well if I was awakened by The Cramps From Hell — and was instantly filled with panic about mixing drugs.

And thus began the laborious task of Reading The Fine Print. I’m a little fuzzy on the particulars — I remind you it was 3 AM and I was in a lot of pain no thanks to my angry uterus — but it seemed the sleep aid label said something like this:

“Instructions: Take one sleep aid before bedtime as needed. Warnings: Do not take more than one in a 24 hour period. Do not take without washing it down with water. Use ONLY water to wash down this pill or else scary things will happen. Possible side effects include heart palpitations, headaches, backaches, earaches, nose aches, itchiness, dryness, hot sweats, cold sweats, nausea, and fever. In rare instances, users became temporarily convinced that they were Dolly Parton and began singing “Jolene” in the bathtub. Avoid bathtubs when using this product. Call your doctor if you have any questions.”

And then I had to closely examine the Advil label to make sure there were no potential harmful drug interactions. The Advil label had similar warnings (“do not use while operating heavy machinery and/or a Kitchen Aid mixer”), but I didn’t see anything indicating that I’d die or suddenly become a world renowned country singer if I took it with the sleep aid. So I popped those pills and headed for bed.

It took a minute to get back to sleep. The Advil needed to kick in and slay The Cramps From Hell. The Cat had noticed I was up and moving and wanted to play. And then…just as I was about to drift back into fitful slumber…here comes The Muse.

“Psst!” she said. “Hey! You should write about this later. You should —”

“ZZZZZ,” I responded.

Thankfully The Muse was in a cooperative mood, because when I was ready to actually get up she came back to finish her thought.

“You should write about how these drug interactions could be more useful,” she said.

So I started thinking about that idea. Not only are the possible side effects horrible for pretty much every medication I’ve ever taken, but the potential problems of drug interactions are even worse. Obviously, I’m not an expert in pharmacology, but it’s frustrating that all these things that are supposed to help you feel better seem to be more likely to make you feel terrible. Or dead.

But what if there were some awesome side effects? Like what if — and again, I’d like to remind everyone that I was tired and in pain when this idea popped into my head — you could get superpowers?

Wouldn’t that be great? Instead of diarrhea and vomiting, your prescription pills could give you the power of flight. Or X-ray vision. Or being able to cut to the front of the line at the BMV and get immediate service. (Clearly my bar for what constitutes exciting superpowers is set really low.) Or whatever other superpower you would find useful.

Think about it. This scenario is far more likely for giving someone extraordinary abilities than the usual superhero power gaining scenarios such as being born into a wealthy alien family, being cursed by a mythical entity who got mad that you cut them off in traffic, being struck by radioactive lightning at the precise moment that Venus enters retrograde (whatever that means), being bitten by a radioactive aardvark, having radioactive waste spilled on you, etc. Basically hanging around radioactive things seems to be the ticket to superpowers if the comics and movies are to be believed.

“But Amy,” you ask, “is that really terribly exciting? I mean, can you picture a big Hollywood blockbuster depicting a hero getting his or her powers just from mixing up medications?”

I think it could be exciting for the right kind of audience. Take my situation, for instance. If I watched a movie where a mild mannered thirtysomething woman suddenly gained powers after taking Pamprin, I’d be happy. Especially if those powers included the ability to withstand incredible amounts of pain (thus ending The Cramps’ reign of terror) and the ability to consume endless amounts of chocolate while maintaining an ideal figure. Oh, and the power of flight. Because that would be fun.That’s some serious wish fulfillment right there, y’all!

The only problem I see with this scenario — at least when it comes to making big Hollywood blockbusters out of it — is that I’m not sure who the antagonist would be. Big pharma, perhaps? A secret government organization? (Secret government organizations tend to be the default bad guys whenever a movie villain is needed.) The people in line behind me at the BMV that are angry that I get to be first all the time? Now that I’m thinking this through, it may not be a terribly exciting movie after all.

ATTENTION! ATTENTION! ATTENTION! Male readers, you can tune back in now.

Anyways, it’s probably best that superpowers are not a side effect of medications. Because we don’t need anyone getting any ideas about mixing things up on the off chance they’ll develop super abilities. Read the warning labels. Take medications as directed. Seriously. It’s for your safety. No one needs to get themselves hurt.

And we especially don’t need people singing “Jolene” in the bathtub.