Halftime in Hawkins: A Marching Band Story

Recently I stumbled upon an unusual news article. What made it unusual, you ask? Well, for one thing, it had nothing to do with boycotts, idiot politicians, or people getting injured doing stupid things which seem to be the basis of 99% of all news headlines lately.

No, this article was a casting call. Apparently the makers of the hit TV show Stranger Things are looking for young people with marching band experience to be extras on the show.

In case you’ve been living under a rock the past two years (which I had been up until a few months ago), let me explain Stranger Things. The first season tells the story of Will, a dorky quiet kid who hangs out with a bunch of other dorky kids playing Dungeons and Dragons. One night while riding home from his friend’s house, he gets kidnapped by a monster called the demogorgon who promptly takes him to another dimension dubbed the Upside Down.

Will’s mother, Joyce, goes on a frantic quest to find her kid. Now, I probably should have mentioned that the show is set in the early 1980’s. So that explains why Will is able to ride his bike at night without being accompanied by an army of helicopter parents. It also means Joyce has to deal with people calling her crazy to her face instead of just posting passive aggressive comments on social media (“my child would NEVER have been kidnapped by a demogorgon because he eats only organic food which we all know repels demonic entities”).

Eventually, through a combination of Will’s plucky friends using their nerd knowledge, the assistance of a chain smoking sarcastic cop, the telekinetic abilities of a bald waffle addict, and Christmas lights — SO MANY CHRISTMAS LIGHTS — Will is found and brought back to our dimension just in time for season two.

Season two follows a similar story line as season one. Will is attacked again, but this time he becomes possessed by a spider-like demon from the Upside Down. The plucky friends once again band together and pool their geeky knowledge to save the day, this time with the help of more plucky friends who are added for no reason. Will’s mom is still seen as crazy. Hopper the sarcastic police chief still smokes a lot and gets into trouble. The main difference is that Eleven — the waffle eating telepath — starts growing some hair and develops a slightly bigger vocabulary. And there are multiple demogorgons instead of just one. But the formula remains the same:

• Will is tortured. A lot.
• Joyce is also tortured by the fact that Will is so tortured.
• The plucky friends are nerdy and cute and fill you with 80’s nostalgia.
• Eleven does something cool with her powers, and everyone goes “whoa.”
• Monsters from another dimension ruin everything.
• But geeks shall save the earth. The end.

Given how the show has played out thus far, I’m curious to see how and where a marching band could fit into season three. There was a recent teaser trailer suggesting that season three will focus on a mall. So it would seem that perhaps the show will move away from the previous seasons’ theme of Upside Down monsters, since the the monsters came from the evil government lab which has been shut down.

Then again, the last shot of the season two series finale hinted that the spider monster and all the Upside Down minions were still very much alive and lurking over our dimension.

Maybe the Upside Down minions had a corporate retreat to discuss how to regroup and rebrand. Perhaps they realized that their current strategy of lurking in the woods and working with shady government agencies just wasn’t working anymore. Maybe they decided they might have better luck possessing and torturing youngsters by lurking at the mall.

So that still begs the question…WHY A MARCHING BAND?

Yours truly was in marching band all four years of high school. I’ve been thinking back to my marching band days to try and figure out what exactly a marching band could contribute to the show. Here’s what I’ve come up with thus far:

• It was common for us to march through the halls of the high school on game days to get everyone fired up. At least I think that was the goal. It might have been just to annoy people. Either way, it was fun. We sometimes also went marching through businesses. I’m not kidding. We were once bused over to a local IT firm and marched up and down the endless rows of cubicles blasting the fight song and the “Hey!” song (because that is a mandatory piece of any marching band’s musical repertoire). Perhaps the Stranger Things marching band will march up and down the mall to celebrate its grand opening…and that will somehow open a portal to hell.
• Season Two did have some budding romances. Maybe Lucas will convince a marching band to spell out “I love you Max” on the football field to help seal the deal. Or maybe Steve will persuade the band to do an entire show dedicated to showing Nancy that Jonathon is not a good match. I’d be down for that.
• Perhaps the marching band will be lead by an Upside Down minion disguised as a human. And the evil director will use the marching band as some sort of Pied Piper army to lead the citizens of Hawkins away to their doom. And Eleven will have to use her mind powers to try and redirect the marching band army.
• Perhaps she could convince them to do a show that pays tribute to waffles.

The marching band probably won’t do anything terribly exciting. It will probably be something that pops up in one episode where the dorky kids go to a football game and complain they’d rather be home playing D&D. It’s all probably much ado about nothing. But if any Stranger Things writers happen to be reading this, I implore you to consider making the marching band a central part of season three. Because marching band is awesome. And if you decide to do the whole “marching through the mall” bit, give me a call. I could totally coach y’all on how to properly stampede a band through hallways.