Making A Circus Tent Sexy: A Halloween Story

It’s hard to believe it, but we’re only a few weeks away from Halloween. Which means it’s time for me to once again try to answer these difficult questions:

1. What costume should I wear?
2. Once I select a costume, what will I even do with it, because we don’t get invited to Halloween parties.
3. How many pounds of candy do I plan to return to the store this year?
4. How many Halloween movies am I required to watch to appease my husband?
5. What sort of decorations do we need?

As you can probably tell from the list of questions, The Husband and I do not share the same level of enthusiasm for Halloween. He lives for it. Halloween movies, scary costumes — that is his jam. I can get on board with the candy part, but that’s about it.

My first dilemma is the costume. Every year I think, “I’m gonna get a head start on finding a great costume. I’m gonna be really creative. It will be epic.” I have this thought right after Halloween…but then forget about it until about October 29th of the following year.

“No problem,” I think. “I can just go to the Halloween store and find something.”

Except there is a problem. Actually, there are many problems with this scenario. For one, I’m a cheapskate and hate to buy costumes. For another, many of the costumes market themselves as “one size fits all” when what they really mean to say is “one size fits all who do not have butts, boobs, bellies, or hips.” So if I was a twig I’d be in business. But I am not a twig, my friends. Far from it. My plump booty and powerful belly are not fitting into any of those costumes. Unless I wanted to go as a circus tent. But that’s not usually an option.

And let me tell you why that’s not an option. Because all the costumes have to be sexy. And there’s not really a way to make a circus tent sexy. At least I don’t think there is. Give it time, though. I’m sure the Halloween costume industry will find a way. Because they’ve found ways to make so-called sexy versions of just about everything. Sexy nurses. Sexy cats. Sexy traffic court judges. Sexy mail carriers. And much like the one size all costumes, the sexy costumes work really well if you’re a twig. But since I do not have a flat stomach, I probably couldn’t pull off the sexy mail carrier look. If they ever made a Sexy Cat Lady Who Loves To Eat Too Much (And It Shows) costume, I might finally be in business.

The only other option if you want to skip the whole sexy costume bit is to go for something demonic and gruesome. Fake blood. Rubber masks. Ghoulish makeup. No thanks. That sounds like way too much work (and mess) for my liking.

When and if I ever figure out the costume issue, the next challenge is figuring out what to do with it. As previously mentioned, we don’t really go anywhere for Halloween. I could wear a costume while handing out candy to trick or treaters. Last year, however, we did not get a single visitor. Our neighborhood is still under construction, so I imagine all the kids go elsewhere to get their candy fix.

But I feel like I HAVE to have candy on hand, just in case kids actually show up. So I buy a ton, going through my usual struggles of indecisiveness, wondering if I’m buying the right candy, worrying that I’ll have sufficient options for any food allergies, diet sensitives, or other random requests that may come up. Most importantly, I must answer the question of what candy would I be okay getting stuck with if we don’t have any trick or treaters and the store won’t take candy returns. Part of me thinks that I need to get candy that I don’t particularly like so I won’t be tempted to eat it.

But then I say it out loud — “I should get large quantities of candy that I don’t like SO I WON’T EAT IT” — and realize how ridiculous that sounds. My waistline appreciates the sentiment, as it dreaded the thought of how much extra exercise and dieting it would need to do to counteract candy binges. But the logical part of my brain says “why do I want to spend tons of money on food I don’t like so it goes to waste?”

Then there are the Halloween movies. The Husband has two that he considers mandatory viewing: Hocus Pocus and The Nightmare Before Christmas. I find Hocus Pocus slightly more enjoyable, but both movies make my head hurt with tons of unanswered questions. How can the schoolteacher know the legend of Thackery Binx if — per her own telling of the story — none of his family and friends ever learned what happened to him? I suppose he could have talked to someone in the 300 years since the cursing, but if that’s the case how is he still running around the town in relative obscurity? You’d think people would be all over trying to monetize a talking cat. As for Nightmare Before Christmas, how is it that no one else has stumbled upon the Holiday Tree forest before Jack? And why the heck is there a holiday tree forest?

But I try not to think about this stuff too much so as not to ruin the husband’s enjoyment.

Lastly, the decorations. We’re the type of people that SAY we’re going to decorate, but then we never actually do. The Husband suggested getting material to do fake cobwebs. I’d be okay with that…but we’ve got a massive REAL cobweb in the corner of our porch right now. So I’m thinking maybe we should just put a spotlight on it and save ourselves the time and money required for fake cobwebs. People will praise our attention to detail and marvel at how it looks SO REAL. And my inner cheapskate will be glad I didn’t have to spend money on decor.

But you’d better believe we will knock that sucker down as soon as Halloween’s over.

Anyhoo, those are my random Halloween thoughts. How do y’all feel about this holiday? Tell me about it in the comments. I’ll read them as soon as I’m done costume shopping. I think I may have found a way to pull off the sexy circus tent.