Bright colors and loud noises, please!

If there are any TV executives who happen to be fans of this blog and are wondering what I would like for my birthday, I have a suggestion.

Don’t worry, my birthday isn’t until July, so you’ve got time to put this initiative into motion.

I WANT TV TO STOP BEING SO DARK.

Let me be clear. I don’t necessarily mean “dark” as in “dreary and foreboding.” Though there’s quite a bit of that going around too. I mean I actually want to be able to see what is happening on the screen.

Look, I understand that sometimes things are supposed to be dark. If you’ve got a show about a gritty, hardened detective who hates the world, it’s practically law that you have to have lots of scenes of him walking down a dark alley with fog machines blasting and “In The Air Tonight” droning.

Here’s the thing, though. I don’t watch shows about gritty hardened detectives who hate the world. I watch mostly comedies with the occasional dramedy tossed in for good measure. And there are still too many scenes where I can’t make out what’s happening.

So then I turn on the subtitles.

I’m glad the subtitles are there. Really I am. They make TV viewing possible for a lot of people who need them. So please keep making subtitles, thank you.

That being said, sometimes I wonder what is going on in the subtitle writer’s booth. (I assume they’re in a booth. At least that’s how I’ve always pictured it.)

Most of the time, the subtitles are reasonably accurate. I get that sometimes you need to condense what is said in the interest of time. I imagine it gets especially tricky when multiple characters are saying lots of things really fast.

But I swear I’ve seen moments like this:

THE SCENE: A man and a woman are meeting up and speaking in hushed tones.

WOMAN: I didn’t think you’d come.

MAN: I will always come for you. My love for you is like the fhrs kniz yuld.

WOMAN: Oh Roger! *they embrace passionately*

That was the audio version. No, that wasn’t a typo up there. That’s what I heard. Any guesses on what fhrs kniz yuld might be? First new yule? Firey night llama? Your guess is as good as mine.

So I flip on the subtitles eager to find out what fhrs kniz yuld might mean. And this is what comes up.

THE SCENE: A man and a woman are meeting up and speaking in hushed tones.

WOMAN: I didn’t think you’d come.

MAN: I will always bring the secret Russian documents that you require. Even at the risk of my own life.

WOMAN: Oh Horace! Be careful! *they embrace professionally*

And then I have to stop watching for a minute and wonder what the hell just happened. Is my eyesight that bad that I mistook a professional embrace of two spies wishing each other well for a lover’s embrace? Is my hearing that bad that I totally missed what they were saying?

I refuse to believe either of those are true, because stubborn. I think what is actually going on is this:

  1. It’s too frickin’ dark to see what people are saying.
  2. They’re talking too quietly to piece words together.
  3. The subtitle booth posse tried their best to figure out what “fhrs kniz yuld” means.
  4. They said “screw it, it’s anybody’s guess” and put together the transcript above.

So please, TV executives, make TV shows brighter. Encourage your actors to speak loud and clear. And please tell me what fhrs kniz yuld means.

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