Where Monty Python and Muzak collide.

It’s not every day that I feel like I’m living in a Monty Python sketch. But I did recently have one such day.

One of my favorite sketches from Monty Python’s Flying Circus (yes, there’s more to Monty Python than the quest for the holy grail — educate yourself) is the Argument Clinic. Michael Palin tells an overly cheerful secretary that he would like to have an argument. So he hands over some money and walks down the hall to an office where an extra smug John Cleese is waiting to argue with him. Their first argument? Whether or not Michael actually paid to have an argument.

Sometimes I feel like that’s what I’m doing when I buy insurance. I’m paying to have an argument.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m really grateful to have insurance. I know how scary medical bills can be without it. And I know this because every bill we’ve received since getting on this plan shows the uninsured amount. That’s because they seem to forget that we have insurance. And I have to remind them often by showing them proof of the monies.

Now, I’d have a much easier time if “showing them proof of the monies” meant producing a pay stub where it showed we paid for insurance. That’s easy. But that’s never what insurance companies want. It usually goes something like this:

ME: *Calls insurance company to dispute bill*

AUTOMATED MENU: Thank you for calling Moneygrabber Healthcare, Inc. Your call is very important to us. Please listen carefully to our automated menu to select the appropriate option.

To make a payment, press 1.

To make an inquiry about how to make a payment, press 2.

For information about our business hours in which we are available to accept payments, press 3.

(NOTE: Usually at this point I start violently stabbing the button for “0” in the hope it will connect me to a person. Meanwhile, the automated menu drones on.)

For information on the exchange rate so you can make a payment in multiple currencies, press 4.

To make an advance payment, press 5.

For any other questions, press 6.

ME: *presses 6 since nothing else made sense*

AUTOMATED MENU: Thank you. Your call will be connected to our next available customer service representative. Your estimated wait time is *37 minutes.*

*Aggressively cheerful muzak begins to play, only to be periodically interrupted by a reminder from The Automated Menu that I can make a payment at any time if I press 1. And then the aggressively cheerful muzak starts over.*

*Ten years later*

LIVE PERSON: Thank you for calling Moneygrabber Healthcare, Inc. Your call is very important to us. Please hold.

*Slightly different aggressively cheerful muzak plays for approximately five years*

LIVE PERSON: Thank you for holding, how may I help you?

ME: Yeah, I got this bill for a recent doctor visit, and I don’t think it’s right.

LIVE PERSON: Oh?

ME: Well, it says I owe a $1600 copay when all I did was have the office sign a paper for my employer’s annual physical exam.

LIVE PERSON: Well, according to our fee schedule, that would be the appropriate charge for an In Office Paper Signing for someone who is uninsured.

ME: I am insured. With you.

LIVE PERSON: That’s not what our records say. *commences loudly typing, some of which I think is for show* No, our records show your plan expired at the end of last year.

ME: Yes, that was the old plan. But then we renewed, remember? I think the person at the doctor’s office didn’t run the numbers properly.

LIVE PERSON: Well, if you have your card with you and can read me the numbers, I can look into it for you.

ME: I’ve got it.right in front of me. What numbers do you need? There are a lot on here.

LIVE PERSON: I need the member ID, the bin number, the group number, the RX number, the hotline for providers, and the ancient hieroglyphics that kind of look like laundry instructions written on the back.

ME: Um, okay. *reads all the numbers*

LIVE PERSON: *types even louder and faster than before*

LIVE PERSON: Okay, and can you confirm your full name, date of birth, social security number, home address, best phone number, Zodiac sign, first pet’s name, mother’s maiden name, and name of your elementary school, please?

ME: Do you really need all that?

LIVE PERSON: *getting huffy* I need to be able to pull up your account, yes.

ME: (hoping to get off this call before I die) Fine. *provides information*

LIVE PERSON: *types so loud my face feels like it’s getting punched through the phone*

LIVE PERSON: Okay, yes, I do see that you’ve paid your monthly insurance premium. I’m going to run the bill again, but it should bring you down to your regular copay of $25. Is there anything else I can help you with today? Do you need more information on how to pay us or the doctor’s office?

ME: Nope, I’ve got it. Thanks.

LIVE PERSON: My pleasure. Thank for you for choosing Moneygrabber Healthcare and have a wonderful day.

Even though we’ve been with the same insurer for years, this calendar year we’re having an awful lot of problems. Which means The Husband and I have had to make these calls over and over.

Anyone else had this kind of experience? Tell me about it in the comments. I’ll read them in a bit. I’m gonna go watch some Flying Circus to calm down.