Some people dream of wealth and fame. I dream of leg room and Dr. Pepper.

Do you ever wake up and think “I should totally make my own airline?” Because I do. At least I did the other day.

The Husband and I are somewhat frequent fliers. His parents and siblings all live on the other side of the country, and I have friends scattered through different states. So I am no stranger to airports.

We recently went on a weekend trip to celebrate the fact that we could actually go somewhere. (The Husband still hadn’t earned vacation time at that point, so we have to rely on 3 day weekends if we want to spend more than two minutes at our destination.) Being at the airport made me start having airplane fantasies again.

Before anyone gets any sick ideas about what “airplane fantasies” mean, I’m referring to the fact that I like to think about what my ideal airline would be like. I love flying. It gives me the opportunity to skip driving, which I hate because it means being trapped in a cramped space for hours on end not being able to use the bathroom. Instead, when I fly, I get to be trapped in a cramped space for hours on end and unable to use the bathroom. The difference is that I go faster and get free peanuts.

“But Amy, airplanes have bathrooms,” you say.

Have you been in an airplane bathroom lately? I’m guessing not if you’re arguing that going to the bathroom on a plane is a viable option.

Want to know what my airline would look like? Here are my thoughts:

  • Every time a delay happens, you would get at least a partial refund. I am the queen of airport delays. They always seem to happen to me. I realize that lots of crazy things happen to cause delays that can’t be helped, but that doesn’t change the fact that delays can put a major damper on your plans. Extra refunds will be given if the delay is announced with “well, folks.” Everytime I hear an airline staff member say “well, folks” in a chipper voice I know something bad is up — “well, folks, we’re really glad that you’ve chosen to fly Overstuffed Airlines. The pilot on the incoming plane had to make an emergency landing in Chicago because he forgot to set his DVR. We’re told he should be back in the air shortly, so it will only be a few minutes longer before we get you on your way.” Come to think of it, there should be a HUGE refund every time someone says “only a few minutes.” Because that NEVER means only a few minutes. Unless “a few minutes” means Never Ending Hours Of Flight Delay Torment.
  • There would be moving leg room. What do I mean by “moving leg room?” Most planes I’ve been on have plenty of room for my legs…assuming I want to keep them in the exact same position for six hours. Should I want or need to move them for any reason —- cross my legs, cross my ankles, get up to crawl over the next person so I can hobble my way down the aisle to the torture chamber known as an airplane bathroom — there isn’t really room for that. My airlline would give you sufficient room to cross your legs without kneeing the person in the seat ahead of you. Being able to move my legs during the flight would be extremely helpful especially when it comes time to exit the plane. Right now, my legs get so stiff from being in the same position that when it’s time to leave I’m having a hard time getting out of that pose. Apparently that’s a problem unique to me, because my fellow passengers seem to have little problem getting up to race to the aisle and prepare to clobber everyone to get off the plane fast. Which leads me to my next grievance…
  • There should be more than one exit. You might think, “wouldn’t that be confusing? Would people trip over each other trying to figure out which exit they’re supposed to use?” No they would not. The flight attendants on my airline would dismiss them row by row, pointing to the appropriate exit. Flight attendants already receive extensive training in Pointing, Gesturing, and Sweeping Arm Movements when they learn how to do the safety demonstration at the beginning of the flight. Using that training to direct traffic off the plane should be no problem. “But Amy,” you say, “no one pays attention to the safety demo. Wouldn’t people just miss the instructions on how to exit the plane?” They might. But if they do, the flight attendants can use their Sweeping Arm Movements to gesture toward the Jerk Police, who will cheerfully and professionally remind them they are being jerks until they follow directions.
  • Yes, I want Jerk Police. They have a separate role from the flight attendants. The flight attendants will take care of things like handling the beverage pre-orders that I place while I’m waiting in the terminal (and they will give me the FULL CAN of Dr. Pepper — none of this Tiny Cup nonsense), handing out the free peanuts, and giving the all important safety demonstration. The Jerk Police will be there to make sure that people are not being jerks. They will be on the lookout for such grievous offenses as:
    • Putting your coat in the carry on bin when people are still looking for luggage space.
    • Trying to shove a suitcase the size of an armored tank into the carry on bin instead of taking advantage of free luggage available to my airline’s customers.
    • Reclining the seat back so far that it crushes the person behind them.
    • Being rude to the flight attendants. Impolite people really tick me off.

I’d like to think that most of the above problems wouldn’t happen since my airline has moving leg room, free checking, etc. But I know from experience that jerks are everywhere, no matter the environment, and therefore the Jerk Police will always be needed.

So there are some of my thoughts on my dream airline. Sound good to you? Tell me your flight stories in the comments. I should have plenty of time to read them in the airport on our next trip. Especially since I’ve heard it’s already delayed. But only for a few minutes.

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