Catchy Campaign Slogan Goes Here

Gather round, friends. I’m about to make an announcement.

I am running for President in 2020.

Why, you ask? Why not. Everyone else is doing it. At last count, there are already approximately 3,729.25 candidates already in the running. (The 0.25 is for a guy named Joe who’s thinking about it, and has formally declared his intention to Think About It Some More, but isn’t fully committed.) And there are rumors of even more candidates about to emerge. So it will be a crowded race.

But I think I have a lot to offer the American people. Allow me to list off some reasons why you should consider voting for me:

• I am an insanely boring person. Why is that a selling point, you ask? Because boring people like me don’t do scandalous things. The only potential embarrassment I would bring to this country would be my lack of fashion sense. Actually, I wouldn’t even bring that because I could have someone in my cabinet in charge of making me look good. I clean up nice when someone tells me what to wear. Promise.
• I experienced both public and private higher education and consequently racked up a lot of student debt. And I know how much it sucks. So tackling the student debt crisis would be one of my projects.
• Not interested in higher education reform? How about FREE NETFLIX FOR ALL? Do I have your attention now?
• I don’t know how I would actually do that. I just thought it sounded cool.
• The Cat would rule The White House with an iron paw.
• In fact, let’s make The Cat my official running mate.
• With The Cat as my running mate, if I’m elected, my presidency would be the first Human-Cat White House team. And we all love firsts, right?
• I’d be curious to see what The Husband would do. First of all, we’d get to come up with a fun title for him, since I doubt he wants to be called First Lady. First Husband? First Gentleman? First Dude? I’m gonna go with First Dude for now, because that sounds fun.
• I asked The Husband what his platform would be as First Dude. “Puppies,” he said. “Everyone needs more puppies and dogs in their lives.” So there you have it, all. With a pro-cat president and a pro-dog First Dude, dog parks and cat cafes would be a national priority. Doesn’t that sound fun?

Anyhoo, those are just a few reasons you should vote for me. I will accept campaign donations of cash, time, and fashion tips.