Feel The Burn!

Recently I had an interesting conversation with my mom and sisters. The topic? Exercise videos.

My mom was asking for advice on finding a good exercise video. What was she looking for in said video, you ask? Something short so she can get it done in a few minutes? Good music? Nope. She had two major grievances to air with the last video she purchased.

“They move too fast,” she complained, “and I can’t keep up.” I can definitely understand that frustration, as I’ve had similar problems with exercise classes. The second complaint, however, we had to agree to disagree.

“I know this sounds weird, but the women in the video were just so…mean looking. They looked mad. I don’t want those negative vibes when I’m trying to exercise.”

Personally, I think I’d enjoy seeing grumpy women in an exercise video. In too many of the exercise videos I’ve seen, the men and women participating look ridiculously happy to be there. I know there are people who love working out, but I’d be willing to bet most people aren’t that thrilled to be exercising. I’m pretty sure I look cranky. If I had mirrors all around me like the people in exercise videos seem to, I could tell you for sure.

So having this conversation with my mom got me to thinking about what my ideal exercise video would look like. Here is my Exercise Video Wishlist:

• They would dress as sloppy as I do. I was always taught that you’re supposed to dress comfortably when you exercise so you can have freedom of movement. Apparently those who make exercise videos did not get that memo. They’re wearing clothes that give the appearance of comfortable (i.e. no buttons or zippers), but judging from how tight and form fitting they are, I question how comfy they would be. I imagine just squeezing into them is a workout in itself. At the very least, it requires some flexibility. Give me a team of people wearing ratty 10 year old gym shorts and tee shirts from that company picnic you had to go to that one time. You know the one — the one that still has the ketchup stain that refuses to come out and you tell yourself that you just don’t really care that much but it still kinda irks you.That’s what I’m talking about.
• Let there be someone as flabby as me on screen. Nearly all exercise videos show super buff, supermodel types. I don’t know if that’s supposed to be motivational or what. All it motivates me to do is think about how long it’s been since I had a tiny body (answer — in utero). And then I get all depressed about it, and eat. And then I get all depressed about the flabbiness and think “I’ve gotta get my butt in gear. Time to workout!” And then I see the tiny bodies…I think you know where this is going. Lather, rinse, repeat. Endless repeat. Time to break the cycle, y’all. We can still have a few skinny people on screen, but there needs to be a few people up there who look like they weren’t born and raised in a gym.
• Can we see someone who actually doesn’t nail the moves on the first try? It seems like all these videos contain at least one super move that’s supposed to Do Everything. Burn Fat! Tone Muscle!  Improve Circulation! Increase Energy! Stop Clumsiness! Enhance Your Sex Drive! File Your Taxes! Get You Back Together With Your Ex From High School That You’ve Never Been Able To Stop Thinking About! This exercise or series of exercises promises All The Things, and the fitness buffs swear up and down it’s SO EASY and will only take a few minutes and if you do a few reps of this Simple Set Of Exercises a few times a week your life will improve so much that you won’t even recognize yourself. This move is supposed to ignite your core to fire up your metabolism and blah blah blah. You get all hyped up about this miracle move. You are ready to try this exercise and Feel The Burn. Your eyes are glued to the instructor on the screen, hanging on their every word. “Okay ladies, we’re gonna clench our butts, hop on one foot, kick the other leg over our head, wave our arms to the side, spin like a helicopter, and bang our heads like we’re in a mosh pit. Aaaaaaaannnd, GO!” All the super buff fitness types instantly become hopping, spinning, thrashing machines with megawatt smiles plastered on their perfectly made up faces while they jam to the music. The lead instructor even somehow has enough control to shout out motivational phrases. “That’s it ladies! WOOOOOOOOO! Clench those butts! Think of the bikini body you’ll get when you ignite your core! WOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Doesn’t that feel great?!” Meanwhile I promptly kicked my own butt onto the floor trying to start the move. I scramble to get back up. I knock myself over again trying to get into position. I stumble again and again. I finally get into a pose that kinda resembles what they’re doing and I’m ready to start hopping…just in time for the Cool Down to start. I’m not much better at the Cool Down, because some of the Soothing Stretches they want me to do require flexibility that I’m pretty sure I didn’t even have as a baby. “Now pull that foot behind your head and feel that amazing release in your hamstring. You’ve worked hard. You DESERVE THIS” the instructor will say. Because everything has to do with hamstrings somehow. I want to see someone on that screen hobble as much as me. I understand they’ve had practice before they film. And they want to keep things moving along. So maybe there can be an outtakes section where I can see people fall down a few times before mastering the super move. Maybe I’m just mean, but I’d feel tons better knowing I’m not the only one who can’t bust a move on cue.

Anyhoo, those are some of my grievances with exercise videos. Maybe I need to make my own and/or start my own fitness class. Nasty ketchup stained tee shirts are welcome. You don’t need to be a contortionist to participate. And you can look as mean and angry as you like while you workout. I for one will be super grouchy. And then afterwards we can plop on the couch for a Cool Down. Because you’ve worked hard and you deserve it.