Don’t go breakin’ my (candy) heart…

Recently the nation was treated to the State of the Union address. Now, I’m not usually one to weigh in on political matters. But I couldn’t help but notice a glaring omission, a national emergency that cannot be ignored…

…They’re not making candy conversation hearts this year.

And that is an outrage.

I’ll be honest. I’ve never been one for Valentine’s Day. When I was single, it sucked because…well, I was single. Need I say more? Now that I’m married, it’s not really much better. Not because I don’t enjoy spending time with The Husband. I certainly do. But this means I’ve gotta go find a card, and y’all may recall from previous blog posts how much I hate card shopping.

But the one thing I do love about this particular holiday is the candy conversation hearts. You know what I’m talking about, right? The little chalky, heart shaped candies with words on them like “be mine,” “love you,” and “cute butt.” (Okay, I don’t think I’ve ever actually seen one that says “cute butt.” But if there was, I would totally get one for The Husband. Just sayin’.)

For some reason, however, they’re not in production this year. There are still some in stores, but it’s a limited supply. At least that’s what we’ve been told. This could be part of some conspiracy to create a shopping frenzy and send the value skyrocketing. Perhaps the Valentine’s Day business executives saw parents coming to blows at Christmas time trying to get the year’s Hot Toy, and thought “hey, I need some of that action too. Let’s create a supply and demand crisis to see if we can get some losers to throttle each other in the candy aisle while some other loser mortgages his house to get the last bag.”

Now, I loves me some candy hearts, but I’m not gonna fight someone for them. I *will*, however, whine about the lack of them on this blog. And I’ll ask y’all to brainstorm with me about how we can solve this crisis.

Perhaps part of the problem is they need more suggestions on what to write on said candy hearts. Personally, I enjoy the cutesy messages already on the hearts. But if I had the chance to customize them, I’d definitely change things up a bit. Phrases like “rub my shoulders,” “UR hot when you cook for me,” and “I love it when you scoop the litter box so I don’t have to” — those would really capture our romance. I realize these phrases are too long for your standard conversation heart and therefore would mean the candy hearts would need to be bigger. That’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make.

If you could make conversation hearts, what would they say? Tell me about it in the comments. I’ll read them as soon as I’m done getting a shoulder rub.