The Only Weather App You Need

Today I decided I want to invest in a convertible.

No, I’m not talking about a new car. I plan to keep my current vehicle, a 2008 Toyota Corolla named Mrs. Roboto, with me for as long as possible. Because I hate changing cars, but even more than that I hate having a car payment. Mrs. Roboto has been paid off for a few years, so there you go.

What I’m looking for when I say “convertible” is an article of clothing that can handle cycling through all five seasons in a matter of minutes. Because that’s what living in Ohio — especially this time of year — calls for.

And yes, I meant to say five seasons. There’s spring, a delightful time for moderate temperatures but hell on earth for allergy sufferers. Summer is hot and sticky, but at least it’s sunny (most of the time). Fall is another good time for moderate temperatures, though it tends to skew on the cooler side. Winter is a dark, cold, snowy abyss. Lastly, we have the Whatever season. I would describe it as being the weather equivalent of an appetizer sampler at a restaurant. I picture Mother Nature as a server talking to a really indecisive couple out on a dinner date. And they just can’t decide what they want. “Well, why don’t you try the sampler?” says Mother Nature the server. “That way you can try something from each of our seasonal menus and decide what you like best.” The next thing you know, you’re walking through a tornado with precipitation that looks like snow one minute and rain the next, and there’s a mix of spring flowers and dead leaves swirling around you as you can’t decide if you’re hot or cold.

“This is excellent!” says the couple on their dinner date.

“This is INSANE!” says you, the frustrated Ohioan wondering what the heck is going on up in the clouds.

So anyways, I need some sort of jacket coat thingie to help me cope with all the five seasons. Late March to early April seems to be when we experience the most rapid switches in weather. So I could really use this device like…yesterday.

Picture it, my friends. You’re walking along on a nice April day. It’s warm-ish. You’re starting to wonder if you even need your jacket. As you start to take it off, suddenly your phone goes crazy. It’s the Weather Convertible App (because everything is connected to an app these days) telling you to Activate The Convertible.

So you push a button on your phone — because again, everything is an app — and FWOOSH! Your light jacket suddenly collapses into a trendy scarf, or, if you’d prefer, a wad of fabric you can shove into your pocket. But what’s this? Someone ordered the weather sampler? FWOOSH! The trendy scarf is now an all purpose poncho that can alternate between being a heated blanket and a wearable air conditioner in seconds. And when the sampler is over, FWOOSH! We’re back to light jacket for the spring and/or fall weather.

If any of y’all happen to know a scientifically-inclined fashion designer that can get to work on designing this thing, let me know. I’d love to be an investor. Until then, I’ll stick to my current method of coping with temperature change, which is whining about it on the internet while sometimes stealing my husband’s hoodies.

What do you think of our weather? Leave me some comments with your thoughts. I’ll read them as soon as I get back from turning on the space heater and/or ceiling fan.