Battle Stations (and bikinis) Ready!

We’ve officially reached that time of year where we are at war with our own house.

It’s starting to get warm outside, which consequently makes it warm inside. But it’s not quite warm enough to merit turning on the air conditioning. Nor does the cheapskate in me want to do that just yet. On the other hand, it’s too hot to not do anything.

“Open a window,” I can hear you saying. And to that I say, “I can’t. I’m in Ohio.” What does that have to do with anything? Well, this is also the time of year where there is rain. A lot of it. And tomorrow there could be snow, and then two days later we could have a tornado. Because Ohio.

I also can’t open the window because I have a cat. The spring time weather has put The Cat on high alert because she sees all the birds showing up, and she wants to murder them. Currently, the glass is keeping her from doing that. If I opened the window, however, the screen would not be strong enough to hold back the eight pounds of feline rage. No, I have a feeling that my furry killing machine would tear right through that screen to chase those birds. But then once she got outside, she would promptly lick her butt. My cat likes to intimidate more than she likes to kill, and she firmly believes she must look her best while striking fear into the hearts of fowl.

So for the sake of preserving my windows, I’ve gotta keep them closed. That leaves two options: utilizing the many fans we have in the house or lounging about scantily clad. Thus far, we’ve been going the ceiling fan route. I’m quickly being reminded, however, that the fans only do so much.

“I should wear a bikini around the house,” I thought to myself the other day.

Then I remembered that I don’t own a bikini on account of being self conscious about my powerful belly.

“Okay, so I need to go buy a bikini to wear around the house,” was my next thought. I tried to reason with myself that spending money on a bikini just for temperature management was dumb. My inner cheapskate argued that I could just wear a bra and underwear and achieve the same effect.

“Yeah, but then I couldn’t answer the door like that,” I argued with myself.

“That’s dumb,” I argued back. “First of all, would a bikini really be that much better for answering the door? Second, you never answer the door unless you’re actually expecting someone. And no one comes to your house.”

Clearly, the stuffiness of the house is melting my brain if these are the kinds of thoughts going through my head.

So for now I will do battle against the stuffiness of my house with fans. And my stubborn self will once again hold the contest of waiting to see how long I can stand to go without air conditioning. I’ll let you know how I do. For now, I’m gonna go put on a tankini. That seems like a reasonable compromise.