Road Rage In The Digital Age

The other day I realized I needed to rethink my car priorities.

My current ride, Mrs. Roboto, is a 2008 Toyota Corrolla. I like my car. I especially like the fact that it has been paid off for years. Not having a car payment is wonderful.

But my car is pretty lacking by today’s technology standards. I purchased it in July 2007, so it has — gasp — A CD PLAYER. And that’s pretty much the only whiz bang feature it has. But again — it’s paid off, and it runs great. I really don’t drive that much anymore, so I don’t need anything fancy.

The Husband’s car is much newer. Plus The Husband is a software developer, so he likes Snazzy Techie Things in his life. His car does not disappoint. It has a back up camera, built in GPS, USB plug ins — ALL THE THINGS. I might as well ride a dinosaur; my car seems that old in comparison.

Most of the time I don’t really care that my car is prehistoric. An incident the other day, however, made me think about what I would want in a new vehicle.

I found myself in a situation where I needed to voice my disagreement with another driver on the road.

“IDIOT!” I yelled in the privacy of my car. It was intended for the other driver, but then I realized it applied to me as well, because I yelled an insult that he couldn’t hear. Plus by choosing to yell first, I lost precious time that could have been used honking the horn.

I determined that I still had time to express my rage via car horn, albeit on a delay no thanks to my yelling. So I slammed my hand on the horn with all my might.

The noise that came out was less than impressive. Picture a teenage girl talking excitedly to her friends about her crush. It was something like that. Except said teenage girl had also been sucking helium.

BEEEEEEEEEEEP! That is what Mrs. Roboto said to the idiot driver.

It was kinda embarrassing.

What I needed in that moment was a loud, vengeful honk. Something that says “I have Chuck Norris on speed dial and can summon him whenever needed to kick your butt.” Okay, maybe not that. Just something that says “you’re an idiot, and I want you to know it.”

“So go get a new car horn,” I hear you say.

Well, here’s the problem with that scenario. Rage is not the only sentiment I sometimes need to express with my car horn. Sometimes you gotta honk to warn people that there’s something in the road they should avoid. There’s also the “I want to get your attention so I can wave at you, because we totally know each other” honk. (And sometimes that’s followed by the “whoops, you’re not who I thought you were” awkward gesture.) And let’s not forget the “I’m trying to get on the road and the rest of my family is dilly dallying inside the house and I need to tell them to get their butts in this car RIGHT NOW” honk.

You might think that would be covered by the Road Rage honk. It’s not the same. The Road Rage honk says “I hate you, but I’m never gonna see you again, so my threats to kick your butt are pretty much empty. And I’m gonna forget about you in a minute, but just for this one moment we have together, I need you to know that I hate you.” The My Family Needs To Hurry Up honk says “I love you more than life itself, but I will end you if you don’t get your butts in this car RIGHT NOW. And I can do that, because I know where you live and what your weaknesses are. So don’t test me!”

So getting back to where we started — whenever I need to trade in my car, tops on my priority list will be Test Driving The Car Horn. If it’s not intimidating enough, I’m not getting the car.

I also think that since we’re making Smart Everything these days — smart phones, smart TVs, smart refridgerators, etc — there should be a Smart Horn. The Smart Horn will give me a variety of options to adequately express my emotions via honking so that everyone on the road will know what I think of them.

“But Amy,” you ask. “How would you switch between honking sounds so quickly? Wouldn’t that be a lot of work?”

Nope. It would be like all the other smart devices out there — I would boss it around, and it would get the job done.

Picture it. You’re cruising down the road, making good time, enjoying your driving music. Suddenly an idiot comes flying up and cuts you off.

“Hey Google,” you say, “tell that car he’s a jerk.”

“Okay,” says Google, followed by HOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNK!!! The angriest, most intimidating, oddly majestic car horn blast you’ve ever heard in your life comes out. It is so powerful it actually stuns the idiot driver into slowing down and driving like a rational human being.

As far as I know, such an app is not yet available. Until then, perhaps I could have an assistant to handle the job of selecting the right car honk tone for me.

“Heinrich!” I’ll say to my assistant. “Tell my family to hurry up and get in this car.”

“Of course, madam,” Heinrich will say. “Readying the ‘get your butts in the car’ tone. I shall activate at your command.”

“JUST BLAST THE HORN!” I’ll yell.

“Blasting the horn, madam!” Heinrich says. HOONNNNNNK!!! He fires off several more rounds of angry honking. HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK! The tardy family members immediately appear.

Of course, having to yell at a human assistant to select the appropriate honk has its problems. The assistant might choose the wrong honk, or take too long. And we all know there is a precious ever fleeting window of time for these things, and if it’s missed the honk becomes confusing and ineffective. In other words, sorry Heinrich, but you’re not getting this gig.

Hopefully someone will figure out the car honk selection app soon. And make it a standard feature in all new cars. Until then, I will continue making it work with Mrs. Roboto’s girlish non-intimidating honk. So stay out of my way!