Leather Jackets And Austrian Accents Optional

Last night I had a dream that made me think about my future in the movies.

So last year The Husband and I sold our condo. Our first buyer fell through, so we had to put it back on the market. It was vacant for a few months — we didn’t list until we had already moved into our new home — before it finally sold.

I will confess that sometimes I did not go over to check on the house as often as I probably should have. And then I’d make it over and find that the weeds had gotten out of control, the dust bunnies had piled up, etc. It never ceases to amaze me how dirty a house can get EVEN WHEN THERE IS NO ONE LIVING IN IT. I have long since believed that there are mess making gremlins out there that exist for the sole purpose of sneaking into my house and wreaking havoc. This experience confirmed their existence.

Anyways, so in the dream I was going to check on the house. The mess making gremlins had been there. In fact, I’m pretty sure they had their annual convention there. It was a disaster. There were angry notes from the prospective buyers talking about what a slob I must be, how my stuff was tacky, how one of the mess making gremlins bit them, etc. I determined that I was going to cancel showings for a day so I could have plenty of time to thoroughly attack the mess.

Just before I was about to wage war on the mess and the gremlins that caused it, Actual Me showed up.

“Amy,” I said to Dream Me. “You’re having a bad dream.”

“What?” said Dream Me. “Oh yeah, I know, it’s a mess. But I’m gonna take care of it.”

“No,” said Actual Me. “There is no mess. There is no more house. You sold it, remember?”

Dream Me is puzzled. “Oh right! I did sell it! But I’ve still gotta clean it up so I can help sell it.” I grabbed a broom and went to work.

“LISTEN TO ME, WOMAN!” I yelled at myself. “YOU SOLD THIS HOUSE. IT IS NO LONGER YOURS. If your buyer wants to sell it, that’s her problem.”

Dream Me looked like she was about to keel over from confusion. “So this isn’t my stuff? It’s not my mess?I don’t have to clean the house?”

“No. Now get out.”

Dream Me has another realization. “How the hell did I even get in here?” She starts getting freaked out. “Am I breaking and entering?”

“GET OUT WOMAN!” Actual Me shouted, grabbing Dream Me by the hand and making a hasty exit.

At first I thought this was just a random dream. I’ve always had unusual dreams. But then I realized…it perfectly sums up my feelings about time travel movies.

“But Amy, how does —”

Readers, you know I’m gonna get there. Just go with it.

Think of your standard time travel movies. Perhaps one of the best known time travel flicks is Terminator 2. It tells the story of a buff leather clad robot on a motorcycle with big guns sent back in time to assassinate a whiny long haired kid on a scooter. Said whiny kid is the product of two people getting it on after another buff leather clad robot on a motorcycle with big guns tried to kill them. Despite being terrified, they still found time to do it. Because apparently being chased by leather clad motorcycle riding robots with big guns is a huge turn on. There are shootouts, motorcycle chases, explosions, catchphrases, and (for some reason) a scene of the heroine slowly eating a hamburger while staring stoically into the horizon.

If explosions and assassinating people isn’t your thing, another theme that pops up in time travel movies is romance. Here I’m thinking of Back to the Future where a young Michael J. Fox has to journey back to the 1950’s to make sure his parents do it. His biggest challenge? Convincing his mom that she shouldn’t go out with him. And then he must hurry home to pick up his super 80’s girlfriend and go to the future.

There’s also Somewhere In Time, where Superman puts some coins in his pocket to transport him back to a time when he can bang Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman when she’s young and hot. He gets the idea to take this journey when old Dr. Quinn seeks him out and tells him to come back to her.

So even though our heroes of these respective movies are on seemingly different quests, there are some consistent themes between these time travel movies:

• People get horny in the weirdest of situations.
• Time travel is confusing.
• Intense arguments will break out between you and your friends as to try to sort out all the timelines and alternate universes at play.
• Time travel is confusing.
• Just thinking about this is giving me a headache.
• Because time travel is confusing.

I would also argue that time travel — at least as its presented in the movies — doesn’t really have much to offer me. I’ve already got my soulmate on lock, so I don’t need to cruise through the decades to find one. (And I certainly don’t need to be threatened by a leather clad robot on a motorcycle to make a move.) I’m also not a hitman for hire, so I don’t really see myself using time travel to go back and kill anyone.

So getting back to my dream — I realized I need time travel to manage my own life. When I start spazzing about dumb stuff, I can send Sane Me back in time to tell Spazzing Me to knock it off. Here’s another scenario: this weekend I went to the store and bought some canned chili, but I forgot to bring the coupon I had that would make this purchase practically free. I could send Future Me back in time to make sure that coupon was used.

What do you think? How would you use time travel? Personally, I think I could use it better than they do in the movies. I wouldn’t waste time with silly explosions. No motorcycle would be required. I’d just get useful stuff done and my life would be better.

I would probably wear a leather jacket though. Because I could make it look good. And after all, rules are rules.