A Very Merry Holiday Mad Lib

The other day I stumbled upon an article that really made my head hurt.

Apparently the Hallmark channel will release 36 new Christmas movies this year.

THIRTY. SIX. NEW. CHRISTMAS. MOVIES. THIS. YEAR.

I’m still hung up on the fact that a greeting card company has a TV channel. One that makes movies. A LOT of movies.

And I can’t even begin to comprehend how a TV channel can churn out that many movies in a year PERIOD, much less that volume of films for a single season.

My next series of head exploding questions relates to the viewership. Who is watching all these movies? How do they find the time to watch all of them (or even a fraction of them) with everything else that happens during the Christmas season? My guess is that said movies are background noise while people attend to the ten million other holiday tasks at hand: Wrapping the gifts. Ordering more gifts on Amazon. Thinking of new places to hide all the gifts. Planning the holiday feast menu. Baking the traditional holiday Mound o’ Sugar that you MUST MAKE because  Great-Aunt Erma says you have to because it’s an old family recipe and it will cause 7000 kinds of drama among your relatives if you don’t make it because the recipe has been in the family since your great-great-great-great-great grandparents came over on the Mayflower so even though no one actually likes the old family Mound o’Sugar YOU MUST MAKE IT TO HONOR YOUR ANCESTORS.  Spending the next several days pawning off the leftovers from the old family Mound o’Sugar on various people who are also trying to give you their own Mounds o’ Sugar in an never ending cycle of treat re-gifting. The list goes on.

So maybe these movies are welcome distractions from all the crazy.

I have a few holiday movies that I enjoy. Christmas Vacation is an absolute must. But for the most part, Christmas movies aren’t really high on my priority list.

Maybe it’s my indifference that makes it hard for me to imagine why anyone thinks we need 36 brand new Christmas movies on top of the 10,234, 756 million others from previous years that will play in reruns.

The biggest challenge I have is wondering how the heck they are going to come up with story lines for so many new movies. I suppose in this day and age of prequels, sequels, reboots, and what not they don’t necessarily have to be original. Even so, that’s a lot of movie scripts!

And then I had an idea.

When I was growing up and spending my summers hanging out with my cousins, one of our favorite activities was to write Mad Libs. If you’re unfamiliar with this game, basically one person writes out a story with a lot of blanks. The writer asks the others in the group to supply words to fill out the story — a noun, an adjective, etc. Then the writer reads the end result back. And it is epic.

My theory is that the Hallmark channel Christmas movie writing division has a handful of mad libs on hand. The writer of said mad libs goes around to various other Hallmark staffers and asks them to fill in the blanks. One mad lib shared with 20 staffers equals 20 new movie outlines in minutes.

So now I’d like to share with y’all my very own Holiday Mad Lib.

(Woman’s name) had just moved to the sleepy little town of (city name). She and her daughter (girl’s name) were looking for a fresh start. She was a young widow who was determined to give (daughter’s name) a great (holiday). (That’s right, it doesn’t have to be Christmas if you think another holiday would be more fun.) (Bite me, Hallmark channel.)

While they were visiting the old town square buying some (insert random knick knack here) to spruce up their (room in house) and make it feel more at home, Woman’s Name bumps into (gruff but handsome man’s name). She immediately noticed he was gruff, but handsome. “Hey you woman! Stay out of my way! I hate (holiday)! Leave me alone and don’t ask any questions about my tragic but formulaic backstory!” he shouts, jumping into his (vehicle that only a jerk would drive) and speeds off.

“What a jerk,” she thinks.

“Mommy, how can anyone hate (holiday)?” asks little (daughter’s name).

“I don’t know, sweetie. But don’t worry about him. He’s a gruff but handsome jerk and I hate him, and we will never fall in love and get married, not even after ten commercial breaks, a sappy musical montage where we think about each other while staring out our respective windows, and a heartwarming dance number,” she assures her daughter. “Now let’s go pick out a nice (holiday) (random object) to decorate.”

Not long after this encounter, (Woman’s name) learns that (gruff but handsome guy) is a teacher at her daughter’s school, the (celebrity’s name) Academy for Unusually (Emotion) Children. They bump into each other often and have more angry yet sexually tense encounters.

(Daughter’s name) learns from her friends that (gruff but handsome guy) runs a charity drive to donate (random useless object in your junk drawer) to underprivileged third world countries. She doesn’t really know what that means, but decides that makes him A Nice Guy and therefore he should marry her mommy. She really doesn’t want her mommy to be alone at (holiday).

Over time, they gradually warm up to each other. Eventually (woman’s name) learns that (gruff but handsome guy) hates (holiday) because many years ago he was all set to propose to the love of his life, but she left him for a billionaire playboy type who happened to be dressed as (mythical holiday figure such as Santa) for a charity event.

Driven by pity for such a crappy experience, she convinces him to open up his heart to her. They fall in love after (number) commercial breaks. A tragic misunderstanding leads to an awful breakup argument, after which they stare longingly out of their windows while the sad music of (famous singer or band) plays over the montage of their happy memories together. Eventually, they realize they cannot live without each other and rush to meet each other at the town square where they met, where the great (holiday) (random object) is lit up to fill the citizens with wonder.

“Oh, (gruff but handsome guy!” exclaims (woman’s name). “(Romantic movie cliched catchphrase).”

“Oh, (woman’s name)!” he responds. “(Another romantic movie cliched catchphrase).”

He drops to one knee, proposes, and she accepts. They kiss, and the crowd goes wild.

“I just knew we could help him learn the true meaning of (holiday!” squeals (daughter’s name). “This is the best (holiday) ever!”

The cheery music of (singer or band’s name) plays as everyone dances and the end credits start to roll.

So there you have it all. I think I’ve cracked the code. If any of y’all decide to fill out this mad lib, let me know. I’d love to see your results.