Snakes, stereos, and revenge: A Saint Patrick’s Day story

Survey time, my friends. I’d like to know what Saint Patrick’s Day means to you. Is it (select an answer):

A) An opportunity to honor Saint Patrick and his efforts to spread the message of Christianity.

B) A story about a dude and some snakes in Ireland, and they became drinking buddies or something. I don’t really know. What was the question again?

C) A socially sanctioned day to get drunk like whoa and *passes out*

D) A competition to see how many cars I can park in front of Amy’s house without blocking her driveway.

I have heard responses A through C many times in my life, with C being the most popular. But this year some folks on my street decided that D was the correct answer. They had a massive party involving taking up every square inch of available street parking space for the entire block.

Sorry, I need to correct that statement. They left a few square inches of street available to have random photo shoots. How do I know these were photo shoots and not just spontaneous selfies while walking to the car? Two reasons:

  1. They had a real camera, not just someone’s phone.
  2. There were costumes. COSTUMES. For taking pictures in the middle of the road.

Needless to say, I am not a fan of this interpretation of Saint Patrick’s Day.

I will freely admit that I am no expert on the actual history of Saint Patrick and his holiday. But I have a funny feeling that a guy who famously drove snakes across the plains (or whatever he did) probably didn’t envision people parking cars in his honor.

So now I’m wondering…are there any holidays out there that involve throwing Revenge Parties? Like parties where *I* can block their driveway to do photo shoots and fill the neighborhood with cars and blast loud music and generally be obnoxious?

You can tell I’m not salty about their party. Not at all.

Here are some things I would like to see in this holiday:

  • Obviously I would need to park a lot of cars dangerously close to their driveway.
  • And I would need some really big stereo speakers to blast Traditional Revenge Party Music.
  • I don’t know exactly what that music is, but it’s loud. And I will crank it up even louder. And it will be repetitive and annoying.
  • And I will have a chorus of party goers singing along to this song at all times. Just to make it even louder.
  • Instead of wearing green, observers of my holiday will be required to wear some really obscure color, like Scottish-Iranian fuchsia.
  • What does Scottish-Iranian fuchsia look like, you ask? It looks like whatever I say it looks like. And I can tell you right now it does NOT look like whatever the obnoxious partiers happen to be wearing that day. Which by the rules of my holiday means I get to throw things at them.
  • Soft things, of course. I may be salty about their party, but I’m not actually going to hurt anyone.
  • Maybe I’ll throw confetti at them. Because that could be fun.

Okay, I think y’all get the idea. I’m gonna sign off before I get any more wound up than I already am. Hope everyone had a safe and fun March 17th (whatever that day happens to mean to you) and that you’re sufficiently recovered from your festivities. Have a great week everyone and I’ll see you next Tuesday. Until then, may the luck of the Scottish-Iranian fuchsia be with ye.