I am the bathroom whisperer

So remember last week when I was talking about needing to find a side hustle? And how most side gigs/work from home gigs would be a disaster for me? I’ve been trying to think of my unique talents and abilities to come up with business ideas. Tell me what you think.

One unique talent that I think might have monetary potential is my uncanny ability to locate bathrooms. Seriously. Put me in a large store that I’ve never been in before and I will find the bathrooms instantly. No signage required. The Husband can attest to this ability. We’ve had several instances of needing to use this ability.

THE HUSBAND: I need to find a bathroom. But I can’t find any signs. I don’t think they have one.

ME: *breathes deeply and becomes one with the store* No. They do. They definitely do.

THE HUSBAND: Are you sure about that?

ME: I already know where it is.

THE HUSBAND: No you don’t. We’ve never been here. I’ll just go across the street to the McDonald’s.

ME: NO! The universe will guide me there. Follow me!

*begins purposefully strolling down a random aisle with The Husband following skeptically*

ME: *gestures proudly* BEHOLD!

THE HUSBAND: How did you—?!?

ME: Shh. You’re welcome.

Why do I think this talent would be useful? Think of all the times you’ve been in the store, casually strolling through the aisles, feeling just fine about the 60 ounce Grande Frappacino Mocha Latte Creme Brulee A La Fatty (Skinny, No Whip) that you just threw down an hour ago. Then suddenly, like a punch to the gut…

…the violent need to go to the bathroom strikes.

You know in horror movies where the bad guy is coming and the music is getting louder and creepier, and there’s someone trying to get away? But that person has suddenly lost the ability to walk, and then when they finally stumble to their car they can’t manage to grab their keys, and then ten years later — because apparently the bad guy has also forgotten to walk since he really should have been there by now judging from the creepiness intensity level of the music —- the potential victim gets in the car and the car won’t start?

Yeah, that’s kind of what it’s like when you need to go the bathroom desperately but you’re not sure where you’re going.

That’s where I come in. If our java lover has my BathroomFinder app, s/he can just push the button on his/her phone to summon me.

“I’m coming!” I’ll yell as I come whizzing down the aisles in a high speed golf cart. The person will jump in and I can whisk him/her away to a bathroom and help him/her find quick relief from poor beverage choices.

As I’ve typed out this scenario, I’m already realizing several problems with this business venture. I would need to somehow find a whole team of other people with my same supernatural ability to be able to keep up with the demand. That might be difficult, especially since it would probably come across kinda pervy if I took out an ad saying “want to find bathrooms with me? Hit me up for a great business opportunity.”

Okay…clearly I’m not meant to have a side hustle. But know that if you’re ever out and about with me and nature calls, I’ve got you covered.