The Frustrated Writer’s Tale

Listen y’all…I try not to be that person that brags about how she could do things better than someone else. But this week, I’ma be that person. Because The Handmaid’s Tale is driving me crazy, and I need to do something about it.

To be clear, I am referring to the TV series. The book is great. The movie is bizarre, but also great (though if I hadn’t read the book, I would have no idea what was going on). The TV show started off great, but now it’s just…ugh.

Some trivia for those reading who did not grow up in the 90’s like I did. Remember the TV show Family Matters? The one with the cop playing Reginald Val Johnson…I mean Reginald Val Johnson playing a cop (he’s ALWAYS a cop). No, you don’t know what I’m talking about? What if I tell you it’s the show with Steve Urkel? Yeah, NOW you know what I’m talking about. So apparently Steve Urkel was only supposed to be a one episode guest character. But audiences loved him so much he became the whole show.

That’s kind of what The Handmaid’s Tale is like. In the first season, the production crew did some extreme close ups of June/Offred’s face. “Whoa, that is really powerful!” said a lot of fans.

“Oh, you like that?” said the production crew. “You want more? We’ll give you more!”

And now the show would be more aptly called Extreme Close Ups of Elisabeth Moss’s Face. Those close ups are the Steve Urkel of this show. They have taken over, and there is no room for anyone or anything else. Close ups and inner monologues, y’all. That’s what we get.

And because that’s all we’re getting, there’s not a whole lot of time left for things like a cohesive plot. Sure, we’ll cut away for a minute to something interesting happening — a rogue handmaid blowing up the Red Center, Serena Joy reading the Bible in front of the commanders, Moira escaping to Canada. But then nothing else happens. It’s like everyone else is a news anchor, and they say their bit and announce “let’s go to our field correspondent June for commentary. June?”

And then we cut to Elisabeth Moss’s scowling face for 30 minutes.

But then by the time we cut back to our news anchors, it’s all “that’s all the time we have. Tune in next week!”

So I’ve decided to write a sample scene of what I would like to see happen in an upcoming episode of Extreme Closeups of Elisabeth Moss’s Face.

June is staring off into the distance. The camera is all up in her business. Her inner monologue is rambling.

JUNE: Pecans. My mom was never much of a baker. She didn’t have time to play house, as she put it. But she did love pecan pie. Said it was better than sex if it was made right. God, I could go for some pecan pie right now. I—

A van with the unmistakable logo of The Eyes comes flying out of nowhere, barely stopping in front of June.

VAN DRIVER (shouting out the window): Come with me if you want to live.

JUNE (continues staring into space and inner monologue rambling as the camera pulls even closer to her face): Do I want to live? I suppose I do. Not for myself, anyways. For Hannah. For Nicole. For Luke. For Nick? I’m not sure anymore about him.

VAN DRIVER (played by yours truly): Oh for the love of everything sacred and holy, get in the damn van! *brandishes weapon* TODAY!

JUNE (finally speaking out loud): I can’t.

VAN DRIVER: You can monologue in the van.

JUNE: Okay. *climbs in*

We ride quietly for a few moments, the camera still fixated on June’s face.

VAN DRIVER: Enough silence! *turns on some Stone Roses*

JUNE: Who are you? Where are we going?

VAN DRIVER: We’re going to Canada.

JUNE: I can’t leave —

VAN DRIVER: You can, and you will. My associate Heinrich has already rounded up Hannah. You’re going to meet up with her plus Luke, Nicole, Moira, and Emily in Little America.

JUNE: Oh. Okay.

June stares off into space some more.

VAN DRIVER: Don’t tell me you’re thinking of doing something stupid like jumping out of this van.

JUNE: Umm.

VAN DRIVER: NO. We’re getting you to Canada.

JUNE: But if I’m not there, who will lead the resistance? Gilead must fall!

VAN DRIVER: You’re not going to be able to do anything inside Gilead except scowl. But when we get you to Canada, you can write an expose, go on some talk shows, get the ear of the United Nations, raise all kinds of hell.

JUNE: *scowls*

VAN DRIVER: Did you hear me when I said you could go on talk shows to speak about your expose? Talk shows…that have cameras…that can zoom in on your face for dramatic effect.

JUNE: Let’s go to Canada.

VAN DRIVER: Agreed.

JUNE: But how can you be so sure we’ll make it there without being captured?

VAN DRIVER: Easy. I have plot armor.

JUNE: Cool.

And we ride into Canada and begin a glorious new chapter of the story.

What do you think, all? Do you want to see June get out sooner rather than later? Are you as sick of the close ups as I am? What other shows need a rewrite courtesy of yours truly? Let me know in the comments. Until then, under his eye.