Hello internet. I have started a blog. And I want to tell you why you — yes, YOU — should read it. No matter who you are, I’m confident that this blog is what you need. Lemme explain why by outlining the possible outcomes of reading this blog:
You could read it and LOVE IT.
It’s a definite possibility. People tell me I’m a good writer. I’ve heard I’m kinda funny (and I’m fairly sure they meant that in a good way). You can come here, read what’s on the mind of a basic boring 30something Midwestern chick, get a good laugh, and have an awesome day. And it won’t cost you a thing.
You could read it and HATE IT.
You might be thinking, “why would I want to waste my time reading something that I hate?” Well, let me remind you where you are. You’re on the internet. And what’s everyone’s favorite internet hobby? Telling people what they hate and why it’s stupid. You could share links to my blog with comments like, “this woman and her stupid rambling represent everything wrong with (millennials, Midwesterners, Trump’s America, Obama’s America, Hillary and her emails, non-vegans, 30somethings, etc). And then all your friends could comment and say things like “OMG, yes, I was just thinking about how much she sucks. She’s so BASIC.”
I may need you to tell me if I’m basic. I think I’m using that term correctly, but as previously mentioned, I’m a boring 30something Midwestern chick, so I’m pretty out of touch with all things popular. So really, you’d be doing me a favor by hating on my blog.
Interested yet? Because I’ve thought of some more ways that reading my blog could benefit you:
You could earn some hipster points. So let’s say you, your friends, and lots more people read my blog. And then they tell more people about my blog. And it gets really big and I get book deals, movie deals, merchandise deals, musicals based on the movie deals, movies based on the musicals based on the earlier movies deals — ALL the deals. And suddenly everyone’s talking about me via Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, MySpace, newspapers, telegrams, smoke signals, ancient hieroglyphics, and the Pony Express. (My popularity will transcend time and space.) Then you can roll your eyes at all the non-hipster losers that have jumped on the blog loving bandwagon and say “ugh. I read her blog BEFORE she got big. Everyone else is just a poser.” Is poser the right word? What is the appropriate hipster insult? Anyways, whatever that insult is, YOU CAN HURL IT AT EVERYONE while drinking non-fat, non-gluten, non-dairy, non-calorie, organic, sustainable, cruelty free, fair trade Beverage Stuffs. Doesn’t that sound great?
You don’t want hipster points, you say? How about money? So let’s say I get so popular that I make all the monies and everyone loves me. You can track down something I signed back in the day and sell it to make some cold hard cash. And you can impress lots of people by saying that you knew me Back In The Day.
Anyhoo, I think I’ve made my point clear — reading my blog is good for you. So read. And share. Check back often for more random musings. See you on the interwebs!