It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s a money making opportunity with my name on it!

Superhero movies are all the rage these days. It makes my head hurt whenever I see headlines about how the latest superhero movie is performing. It gets more and more ridiculous all the time.

“The Cash Grabbers, the latest superhero flick from the Marvel Cinematic Universe, has just broken box office records. In its opening weekend, it managed to pull in $800 zillion dollars, thus establishing itself as The Most Profitable Movie of All Time. The record was previously held by another MCU property, The Avengers: Money Snatchers, which was released last month. Box office experts predict that The Cash Grabbers will continue to dominate theaters for the duration of its run. Until the 8,765th Avengers installment comes out in six months, it is expected to hold the box office record as well. Studio executives for all other motion picture production companies are curled up in the fetal position, sobbing and wondering why they even try anymore.” Those are the articles that pop up in my Facebook newsfeed on a regular basis. Such articles make me wonder two things:

1. How in the world are so many people finding the time and money for these movies?
2. How can I cash in on this trend?

I don’t need Cash Grabbers money. No one does. I’d be content with a teeny tiny fraction of that. But how am I supposed to compete in this arena? Even if I had a movie production studio (which I don’t) so many heroes have already been taken. And even if I could somehow get the rights to a profitable superhero, they’ve all been done to death SO. MANY. TIMES. Who would pay to see yet another rehash of the same hero story?

(Suddenly remembers how many people are still paying to see Batman and Superman movies and realizes that — even though some claim otherwise — moviegoers have an endless appetite for remakes and reboots.)

All that aside, I think I would do well to create my own character. And thanks to the events of this afternoon, I think I have one.

As I write this post, I’m sitting in a library in a town in The Middle Of Nowhere, Indiana. My husband had to come out here for a business trip and I decided to tag along, thinking it would be a good opportunity to write while I didn’t have the distractions of home. I discovered there was a library only a mile or so from our hotel. So I loaded up my computer bag, headed down the road, set up shop in a quiet spot in the back corner of the building, and went to work.

Enter The Jerk.

I’m sitting here typing away listening to my Weird Robot Music on my headphones (I have to listen to Weird Robot Music when I write) when The Jerk waltzes up to my table. Now mind you there are TONS of other tables and chairs and cozy nooks in this library. The Jerk stands in front of mine, hands on hips, and glares.

“I *NEED* this table,” he says.

I crank up my Weird Robot Music and keep plugging away. He waves his hand in my face.

“I *NEED* this table because it has an electrical outlet” he continues.

I nod in the direction of my own computer which is plugged in. I refuse to budge. He plops down and decides to plug in his computer next to mine. So naturally I flip the table in a fit of rage, call him an asshole, and throw a collection of rare antique library catalogs at his big stupid head.

I’m kidding. I don’t do that. I respect the sanctity of the library too much to make a scene. Plus I’m way too timid for my own good. This is why I need…

The Jerk Slayer.

The Jerk Slayer was once a jerk like the guy sitting across from me. But then one day after an accident involving radioactive squirrels — it’s practically a law that something radioactive has to show up in superhero movies, preferably in the form of a Life Changing, Superpower Granting Accident — he suddenly developed superhuman abilities. Super speed. Super strength. The ability to see past your own ego and consider other people’s thoughts and feelings once in a while. He decided to use his jerk abilities for good to atone for all his past misdeeds. So he lurks in the shadows, watching and waiting for the right time to serve up some Reformed Jerk justice.

“I hear you’re looking for an electrical outlet,” he’ll say in a gruff voice (because modern heroes always growl more than they talk). The Jerk will stop his loud phone conversation for a moment and look up. “Why don’t you try the one down the street?” And then The Jerk Slayer will pick up The Jerk and throw him out the window.

“Thanks Jerk Slayer” I’ll swoon, grateful that I didn’t have to flip any tables.

“HRGRHGH!” he’ll reply. I assume he said “you’re welcome” but it’s hard to tell when he’s speaking in the gravelly superhero dialect. And with a flash (as in moving quickly, not the trademarked licensed character — please don’t sue me) he’ll be gone.

Yes, I think I need to make a movie about this hero.

“But Amy,” you ask. “What makes you think people will pay to see something like that?”

Well, as previously established, people are going into debt left and right to see all the latest superhero movies. Second, those people that actually do want Something Original will be thrilled that I’ve cooked up something new. Third, I’m sure there are tons of cowardly folk like me who fantasize about having their own personal vigilante to kick some butts for them. I’m just giving the people what they want.

Now that I’m thinking about it, I think I’ve got a second superhero movie idea: The Passive Aggressive Princess. By day, she is a mild mannered blogger. But by night, she becomes a mild mannered blogger with An Ax To Grind. She destroys her enemies by the power of the written word, writing scathing blog posts about all who dare cross her. And then recuperates by binge watching Netflix with The Cat, because while she is mighty, her word powers weaken after too much use. Plus she’s dying to catch up on all her shows.

What do you think? Interested? Please contact my assistant if you’d like to talk movie rights. I’ve heard The Cash Grabbers has a sequel in production, and I’d like to beat their release date.