Turkeys, Basements, and Touchdowns — Oh My!

Thanksgiving weekend is fast approaching, which for me means three things:

1. Eating All The Carbs.
2. Christmas decorating.
3. Football. In that order.

Let me walk you through this trifecta of greatness.

First, the carbs. Carbs make everything awesome, and Thanksgiving is a prime example of this rule. Let’s review some of the things that typically show up on Thanksgiving menus.

You might think the main event is turkey. No. No it is not. Now, I’m not opposed to turkey, especially when it’s seasoned well. But it is not my meat of choice. Ground beef…now that’s what I’m talking about. Few things are more satisfying than biting into a cheeseburger. Perhaps next year I’ll cook up some ground beef in the shape of a turkey. That might work.

Perhaps one of the reasons I’m not crazy about turkey (besides the fact that it’s not ground beef) is that it is often accompanied by cranberries. I still haven’t figured out why cranberries exist. To me, they’re somehow tart and bland at the same time. I don’t know about you, but tart and bland is not a combination I look for in my diet. The only type of cranberry I care for is the Irish rock band. But I get the feeling my family wouldn’t appreciate me blasting “Zombie” at full volume while partaking of beef-turkey.

No, what makes Thanksgiving awesome is all the heavenly carbs. Mashed potatoes. Rolls. Sweet potatoes. STUFFING. And I will fight anyone who tries to call it dressing. It is STUFFING, and it is epic, and I love to stuff my face with it. I make an awesome stuffing; that is my designated contribution to holiday dinners. I love stuffing so much.

*pauses to remember what she was talking about before she got sidetracked thinking of stuffing*

Oh, and pie. PIE. Pie is life. Specifically, pumpkin pie. Even more specifically — COLD pumpkin pie. I got married in August, and it was a few months later when turkey day rolled around that The Husband and I had our first holiday disagreement when discussing Thanksgiving desserts. He believes pumpkin pie is meant to be served warm. I believe he is wrong. Cold pumpkin pie is where it’s at. One year my family stuck the pumpkin pie outside IN THE SNOW for maximum coldness. And it was amazing.

Part of me feels like Thanksgiving should be renamed The Festival of Carbs, because that is the best part.

The day after Thanksgiving is decoration day. I have no interest in Black Friday. I don’t enjoy shopping on a normal day, nor do I care for getting up early. So there’s no way in hell I would combine the two plus throw in all the crazy that comes with the busiest shopping day of the year. Not to mention I don’t know that I’d trust myself around all the crazy adrenaline fueled shoppers. I’d probably wind up on the news for throwing a waffle iron at someone in self defense when she tried to run me over on the way to the toy aisle to get The World’s Most Annoying Toy (batteries not included) before anyone else could (since the sadistic toy company decided to only manufacture a grand total of 5).

No, I prefer to stay safely at home where the danger is greatly lessened. I’m safe at home as long as I stay away from the basement stairs while my husband lugs the Christmas decorations up to the first floor. My mother has the unusual habit of laughing hysterically whenever she sees someone coming up the stairs carrying heavy objects. The bigger and more cumbersome the object, the harder she laughs. And she can’t just laugh. Her laughter at people carrying objects up stairs is equal parts piercing screech and sonic boom. It can and will knock you down. I’m not kidding. And unfortunately, I seem to have inherited this tendency. So in the interest of not hurting my hubby, I have to remove myself to a remote part of the house until he has finished hauling everything up.

Once everything is hauled up the stairs, it’s time to start putting up the tree. This was another area where The Husband and I differed in opinion. I always had an artificial tree growing up. I think it was partly a money saving technique, but also provided more entertainment for my mom as she watched it carried up the stairs every year. The Husband always had real trees. Knowing that I inherited my mom’s laughing tendencies, I thought perhaps it was best we try getting a real tree so The Husband could be safe from being knocked down the basement stairs by my laughter. So we’ve been getting a real tree every year. I think it’s good for The Husband’s ego too, because getting a real tree involves using his manly rope tying skills. He always looks so proud every year when he straps it to the roof of the car, pounds the roof with his fist, and declares with masculine pride “that baby’s not going anywhere.” I think that’s part of Guy Law — declaring that you’ve tied something down so well that it can’t get loose. And fist pounding. Meanwhile, I’m just praying the whole way home that the tree will stay on the roof.

The next day is football time. Specifically, it’s time for the Ohio State vs Michigan game, also known as the most important game of the year. I was raised to watch this game and root for the Buckeyes. Which I am glad to do…when I understand what is happening. Despite watching football all my life, I must confess I still don’t understand it. When I was in high school marching band, I mostly knew what was going on based on what song we were playing. Our team got a touchdown? Pep Fight! Our team runs onto the field? Pep Fight! We haven’t played anything in a few minutes? Pep Fight! The band director is having a feud with the other team and wants to drown them out? Pep Fight!

Okay, come to think of it, musical cues really didn’t help me that much.

So Saturday is time to observe the great tradition of Pretending I Know What Is Happening. I find as long as I wear scarlet and grey and yell “Go Bucks” every so often, I’m covered.

These are some of the things I love about this holiday weekend. But there’s one thing I love most of all…

I have never in my life had to travel for the Thanksgiving holiday.

This year, however, that streak will be broken. Prepare to read about my travel adventures in a future blog post.

What is your holiday weekend like? For all you retail workers out there, got any great Black Friday stories? Tell me everything in the comments.

Happy beef-turkey day everyone!