The Dreamiest Of Phones.

The other day I stumbled upon a blast from the past. Turns out my parents still have my Dream Phone.

What does that mean, you ask? Dream Phone is an early 90’s board game. Being the early 90s, the game really looks more like something out of the 1980’s. I got mine when I was 10 years old.

Seeing this game brought several things to mind:

1. I am so glad I’m married and am done with all the dating nonsense.
2. I was a dorky preteen.
3. And a dorky teenager.
4. I’m still a dork, but I’m an adult dork now. I feel like that somehow makes it okay.
5. If I were ten years old now and got this game, I would be confused as hell.

Let me walk you through how this game works. You set up an oddly shaped game board with tons of pictures of Hot Guys. I think they were supposed to be teenage boys. Mid 90’s Ten Year Old me LOVED these guys. Mostly because they were Older Boys and therefore (in my preteen eyes) More Mature.

Let’s just take a moment and laugh at the naivete of poor little ten year old me for thinking that Mature Teenage Boys actually existed in abundance. Oh, I’m sure there are some out there. But there certainly wasn’t an army of them assembled and waiting on their phone to confess their undying love to a dorky little ten year old with a terrible haircut.

Now let’s talk about that phone for a second.

It was a big. Honkin’. BRIGHT. PINK. PHONE.

And what’s more, it was a landline. How do I know it was a landline, you ask? One of the cards you could play against your opponent when she was taking a turn was the “mom says hang up” card. Said card had a picture of an angry mom who had picked up the phone somewhere else in the house and was annoyed that you were hogging the line. Probably because she needed to use the dial up internet to check her email on America Online.

Are you getting a feel for how dated this game is yet?

Believe it or not, the landline is not the most dated part of the game. No, what is completely unrealistic is the fact that to play the game YOU HAD TO CALL PEOPLE.

Repeat after me, friends: Teenagers. Don’t. Call. People. EVER.

And yet in this game, a small army of teen boys are happy to answer phone calls from a random girl and give her clues about the boy who likes her by describing where he hangs out, what he likes to wear, what he likes to eat, etc. It seems they give out just about everything except his social security number.

Once you have enough clues to become a world class stalker if you so choose, it’s time to make a guess. The first girl to correctly guess the guy hears a cheery voice saying “you’re right. I REALLY like you!” Apparently 90’s Teenage Boys swore allegiance to whoever guessed all their interests first.

Now, as y’all know, I am not a teenager myself. But I’m around teens enough to make an educated guess of how this game would work if it were remade today:

• The big pink phone would have to go. It would be replaced by a sleek smart phone.
• There would be no phone calling.
• All communication would be done by text.
• And all text communication would be done by your best friend acting on your behalf.
• There would be emojis. Lots and lots of emojis.
• Instead of the “mom says hang up” card, your opponent could slow you down with such cards as “mom changed the wifi password,” “dad didn’t pay your phone bill as punishment for your sass,” or “you broke your thumbs when you smashed them in the door while trying to complete the Bird Box challenge and are unable to text.”
• The game would end not with a teen guy declaring “I really like you.” That’s far too direct. Instead, he would invite you to Snapchat. And then you would make a duck face into the phone to claim your victory.

For those who aren’t as acquainted with today’s Young People, does this sound completely foreign to you? Well, that’s probably how the 90’s Dream Phone seems to today’s youth. I find myself feeling oddly proud to be an 80’s/90’s kid. I’m glad I know how to use The Big Pink Phone AND today’s smart phones. I’m glad I don’t really have to play guessing games to know there’s a guy out there who really likes me.

And I’m glad that fashion has evolved somewhat. Because my goodness…those 90’s teen boys from the game just look ridiculous now.