When Karma Runs You Over With a Segway

It’s gonna be a short blog this week, y’all. Yours truly is down for the count with an absolutely brutal sinus infection. A word of advice, my friends. Never gloat about how you managed to get through cold and flu season relatively unscathed. Don’t even gloat about it in your head. Because karma will hear you and say “oh, how about a heapin’ helpin’ of CONGESTION MISERY TO WIPE THAT SMUG THOUGHT RIGHT OFF YOUR BRAIN HAHAHAHAHA!” And then karma will go hop on a segway and drive off into the sunset to buy certified authentic replicas of Marilyn Monroe’s used tissues from the set of “Some Like It Hot.” Because that sounds like a thing a stupid jerk would do. And karma is a stupid jerk and I hate her.

I should also mention that I get really loopy when I take cold medicine. So there’s an excellent chance I’ll read this later and not have a clue what I was saying.

In case anyone was wondering, I am taking antibiotics for the sinus infection and NyQuil at night. I share this information because diagnosing ailments and prescribing remedies seems to be one of the internet’s favorite hobbies.

Have any of y’all experienced this phenomenon? You post something on your social media account of choice saying you’re feeling under the weather and suddenly everyone you know is commenting. Your mom. Your grandma. Your significant other. Your co-workers. Your best friend. That one weird kid that sat behind you in fourth grade and has never spoken to you in real life and you’re not sure why you friended them in the first place. EVERYONE is coming out of the woodwork, and they all have the answer.

“It’s probably that bug going around, and you probably got it from not washing your hands enough.”

“Do you think it’s from stress? You’re just too stressed all the time.”

The answers start out reasonable, but then…

“You’re sick because you’re not watching the TV show I told you to watch. So start binge watching!”

“According to this week’s horoscope, illness was in the forecast.”

“You’re sick because Mercury is in retrograde.”

Much like the illness theories, the proposed solutions start out reasonable (“drink lots of water and rest up” “make sure to see a doctor” “have you tried taking any over the counter medicine”).

But then things start getting weird.

“Listen, all you’ve gotta do is boil a kettle of herbal tea”

…wait for it…

“Don’t drink it. Just inhale the steam.”

…WAIT FOR IT…

“And while you’re breathing it in, recite the words to any Depeche Mode song from the Violator album. But do it BACKWARDS. And stand on your head. I know it sounds crazy, but I swear it will clear you right up.”

The weird recommendations of folk healing always come with a testimonial too. (“I got a nasty bug shortly before my wedding day, and I tried the herbal tea huffing while chanting Depeche Mode upside down remedy. Not only did it cure me, but I lost ten pounds on the spot, had a glitch-free wedding ceremony, got pregnant on the honeymoon, and Publishers Clearing House showed up at our door with a comically oversized check for 100 billion dollars right when we got home. ALL MY PROBLEMS WERE SOLVED. True story.”)

I believe in my heart that all the social media comments about possible causes of illness and recommended remedies come from a place of genuine care and concern 99.9% of the time. Even from the weird kid that sat behind you in fourth grade. But sometimes I wonder if people make up these miracle cures JUST FOR THE SPORT OF IT.

What do you think? Any fun stories of quirky home remedies that actually work? Share them with me in the comments. I’ll read them later; right now it’s time to go back into a NyQuil coma. Good night all (or morning, or whatever time it is…I lose track when I’m sick). See you next week!