Boring People, Boring Reviews

Anyone who knows me knows that I am forever woefully behind on pop culture. Technology, too. It takes me several years to get on board with new things. I don’t necessarily believe in past lives, but if I did I would guess I’m the reincarnation of a grumpy old woman who thinks that electricity and them newfangled light bulbs will be the death of us all. (My inner grumpy old lady also dislikes the “talkies,” the internet, and just about everything else invented in the last 150 years. She would prefer to just sit in a rocking chair on a porch and talk smack about everything.)

But I’m not actually a reincarnated grumpy old woman. I’m just a really boring person. I’m convinced that I’m not really the grumpy old woman from decades past because I *do* eventually get on board with things. It just takes me a minute. Twenty years from now, I’ll probably be talking about this amazing new app called Snapchat and playing with all its filters. And everyone will roll their eyes at me and tell all their friends what a dork I am via whatever messaging service is trendy in 2039.

Anyhoo, my sister in law recently decided that I need to at least *try* to catch up on popular culture. Specifically, I need to catch up on Marvel movies. So I agreed to watch some with her. Which brings me to the subject of today’s post. I present to you…

A BORING PERSON’S REVIEW OF CAPTAIN AMERICA: CIVIL WAR.

(Spoiler alert for anyone who is behind on Marvel movies as I am.)

So the movie starts with a flashback to the 1990’s. I’m down for that. Except we don’t get to actually see any fun 1990’s stuff happening. Just a scruffy guy in a chair being shouted at in Russian, which apparently makes him angry and violent. I’m told it’s because he’s a brainwashed secret operative and he’s just been activated. And apparently his job is to steal a top secret suitcase. Why is it always a secret suitcase? And can we at least get this man some 90’s nostalgia goodies like Fruitopia and Dunkaroos before he goes back into hibernation? I think that’s fair with all he’s been through.

Hold up… I’m not sure that he actually goes into hibernation. Or maybe he just has amazing skin. Either way, he looks the same when we see him again in the present day. And in said present day, the Avengers are stomping around town also trying to get a secret suitcase. At least I think that’s what they’re doing. Maybe it’s the same secret suitcase that scruffy guy was getting back in the 1990’s. I’ve already lost track of what’s going on. Whatever it is they’re doing, it results in an explosion that kills a bunch of bystanders. And now the government is really mad.

“Y’all need babysitters,” says the government guy. And he tells them that before they even THINK about trying to save the world from alien attacks or anything crazy like that — because apparently they’ve done that in previous movies — they need to get prior authorization from the government guys.

“Mkay, sounds good,” says Tony Stark.

“No,” says Captain America.

Also, apparently Captain America is scruffy guy’s friend from back in the second world war. So they both have hibernated and have great moisturizer. Nice.

Meanwhile, Scarlet Witch is moping around her apartment being babysat by a robot guy because reasons. Suddenly, a dude that seems familiar shows up.

“Is that Hawkeye?” I asked my sister in law.

She said yes.

“Does he do anything besides shoot arrows?”

She said no.

I was puzzled. “So he gets to be on a team of gods, aliens, and enhanced humans because he’s really good at shooting arrows? And that’s all he does? Like, he doesn’t have any super spy knowledge or anything?”

“That’s pretty much it,” she said.

Huh.

So anyways, all the Avengers start fighting on the roof because they’re still mad about the government babysitters and/or the scruffy guy. The fight is the most entertaining part of the movie thus far, and it’s over pretty quickly. The scruffy guy gets away with Captain America and they go to a super secret snow base hideout. Because villains can never have hideouts in a nice climate.

Apparently this is where the beginning part comes full circle. The super secret briefcase was to make more angry scruffy soldiers who can be activated by Russian shouting. But they’re all dead now. And Tony Stark’s parents were killed in the battle for the briefcase, so he’s going to beat up scruffy guy. So now we get another fight scene, and Captain America tosses his shield down for dramatic effect.

Scruffy guy decides to go back to bed until someone can figure out a cure for Russian shouting. And now we’re in Wakanda, which is where Black Panther happens. I have seen that movie, so this part is kind of making a little sense.

Roll credits.

Did I enjoy the movie, you ask? I enjoyed it about as much as I could understand it…which was not a lot. I suppose watching the ten million movies beforehand might have helped. There were some fun fight scenes, and new Spiderman has sass. Though I have to admit that it’s a little alarming to see a Spiderman who actually looks like a teenager instead of a painfully mopey thirtysomething.

Anyhoo, I look forward to attempting to get caught up on pop culture. We’ll see if that happens any time this century. Until then, I’m putting out a request to not spoil anything for me for at least twenty years. Thanks.