On A Diet? Avoid The Greeting Card Aisle.

Few things strike fear into my heart like shopping for a card.

Yes, you read that right. Shopping for cards terrifies me. Unfortunately, I had to face this fear the other day as I was in the market for two cards for bridal showers I was unable to attend.

What is my grievance with cards, you ask? Most of it has to do with the fact that there are SO. MANY. CARDS.

As previously mentioned, I ventured into the abyss seeking cards for a bridal shower. Weddings and the like are perhaps the most popular category of card. Birthdays might give them a run for their money, but still. Any given store has approximately one forest’s worth of wedding cards.

All the cards start with something super sappy on the front, like “Marriage…the perfect union of two hearts for eternity.” And there’s a picture of a couple doing something romantic like holding hands on a beach, kissing in front of a roaring fireplace, or something equally cliched. I go to open the card to see what’s inside and worry that I’m going to throw up. Is it too sappy, you ask? Well, that’s part of it. But before I can even read the sappy I have to survive The Glitter Cloud.

So many cards, especially wedding cards, are coated with insane amounts of glitter. And even though the glitter gets everywhere when you handle the card, IT NEVER GOES AWAY. You’d think that eventually after handling the card enough times The Glitter Cloud would diminish itself down to a dull shimmer. But no. The Glitter Cloud will always be there. You can’t escape it.

After I survive The Glitter Cloud, it’s time to read what’s inside. The answer, as anyone who has had to go shopping for a card knows, is more sap. So much sap that I’m afraid to let my diabetic husband near it for fear he’ll go into a coma from all the sugary sweetness.

Sometimes the sappiness comes in the form of run on sentences (“marriage is the union of souls, the knitting of hearts, the formation of new life together, the joining of persons, the adventure of a lifetime, the never ending journey of laughter, the thrill of romance”). Sometimes the sappiness comes in the form of wedding industry buzzwords (“Love. Laugh. Kiss. Heart. Share. Celebrate.”) Whatever form the sappiness takes, it always accounts for most of the card, leaving me little to no room to write what I might want to say to the happy couple.

You would think there could only be a handful of sappy options. There can only be so many ways to write run on sentences about marriage (“the sweetness of true love, the dizziness of desire, the…”). You would be wrong, friends. The wedding greeting card industry has a million variations of Wedding Sappy Run On Sentence Nonsense. There are AISLES full of them.

“Amy,” you say. “If they’re all so similar, why can’t you just pick one and go?”

Here’s why, my friends. I suffer from Gift Giving Paralysis. Any time I try to buy something for someone, I forget everything I know about that person. And I question every single decision I could possibly make in purchasing that gift. I become absolutely frozen with indecision. Apparently this condition also affects my ability to pick out cards. I find myself standing in the aisle for an eternity, reviewing each and every card, racking my brain trying to determine if it would be suitable. There’s a strange inner monologue going through my head that sounds something like this:

“Okay, this one is kinda cute. I like that it has puppies on it instead of people. That’s different. At least I think it’s different. Have I seen other wedding cards with puppies on it? Oh well. Anyways, the point is I think she would like it because she loves dogs. Does she love dogs? Yeah, she does. She’s always talking about them. Or is she allergic to dogs? What is she always saying about dogs? Wait, does she actually talk about dogs, or am I thinking about someone else? Is whoever I’m thinking about allergic to dogs? Is she getting married? If she is allergic to dogs, will she be offended that I got her a card with dogs on it? Wait, maybe she does love dogs and would love this card because of it. Or maybe she won’t because everyone else is getting her stuff with dogs on it because That’s Her Thing. Maybe it would be more original if I got something without dogs on it. Okay, so the card with puppies on it is a definite no. Oh look, here’s one with people on a beach. She loves to go to the beach. I remember when she took that trip to the beach a couple years ago…wait…did she go to the beach a couple years ago? I know *I* went to the beach. Am I shopping for myself? Has she ever actually been to a beach? Am I making all this up? Do I even know anyone getting married? Okay, no beaches. Oh look! A card with a wedding cake on it. That’s a safe bet. But wait…didn’t she say she was having cookies instead of cake? Maybe a cookie cake? Does she even like food? Any food? DEAR GOD I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ANYONE ANYMORE!!!”

And on and on my mind goes. Eventually the emergency backup part of my brain claws its way into control. “For the love of everything sacred and holy, pick one with the least amount of glitter and text and just go!” it screams.

I am dumb enough to argue with my own brain. “Okay, but will she like the fact that it has less glitter, or—”

“GO WOMAN GO!!! GRAB THE CARD AND RUN BEFORE YOU OVERTHINK YOURSELF TO DEATH!!!”

So that’s what I do. I grab the card and run for the check out. Sometimes I’ll get myself a treat for surviving the ordeal of picking out a card. And then I go home and start the next phase of Card Madness: figuring out what to write.

Thankfully, this part is usually much easier, though I still struggle sometimes with my inner monologue. (“Should I toss in some wedding industry buzzwords? Is that too cliched? Is what I’m writing meaningful enough? Do I even know how to write, or is my brain completely suffocated by The Glitter Cloud and Sap Overload?”)

I suppose I could just make my own cards. Maybe that’s what I’ll do next time. That won’t completely quiet the inner monologue, as I’ll still question everything I know about the person I’m creating a card for. But at least then I’ll know I won’t choke to death on glitter.